Valley of Fears#7 - pipTalk Forums

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Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

0 posted 2001-07-19 02:05 PM

THE LAST BREATH

As she draws her last breath
everything comes crashing down
she tried to survive
it didnt work
all she has is hate and illusions
of love
numbers of people she can turn to
she wont
practice makes perfect says the
voice in her head
the line is not straight enough
deep enough
this breath lasts a metaphoric
eternity
Extra strength is what she needs
where's the support?
"just trying to survive" is all
shell tell people
everything comes crashing down
as she draws the next breath.

Regina Levy

keoni
Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 850
Up in the mountains in the NFC

1 posted 2001-07-19 02:12 PM

Well, this deserves to go above mine. Do you ever not write good? Just Joking, seriously though, this one is very good. The first 2 and the last 2 lines were my fav's. Great job as always Ina.
Jon

"Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine
"Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

2 posted 2001-07-19 09:23 PM

The beginning and ending here were very strong. The lines: "this breath lasts a metaphoric/eternity/Extra strength is what she needs/where's the support?" hit home hard for me. Another poem VERY well written and packed with power. Nice work.

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

3 posted 2001-07-19 10:51 PM

well written, Ina...i think this was great poem...so much behind this...and how you explain the last breath..then at the end saying the" next breath"...wow...i liked it VERY much...bye

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

4 posted 2001-07-20 12:04 PM

well done on this one regi....

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

5 posted 2001-07-20 10:27 PM

Out of the series, this piece is the most powerful. The idea of the last breath being meant to fix everything and then you have to draw another was excellently written about. You always have me in awe. The talent you have is exceptional. If you can give a person chills from reading what you write, you have to do something with it.

Keep 'em coming, Regi. A fan is sitting right here.

~AF~

Psychopathic chickens are plotting against me...

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

6 posted 2001-07-24 04:55 AM

Nicely done here Regi. Another well done poem.
Are you done at #10, or will the series continue?

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

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