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TearsOfPearls
Member

since 1999-09-23

Posts 322
Vereeniging, South-Africa

0 posted 2001-07-17 03:10 PM

Looking through
the hourglass,
misshaped forms
of broken pasts,
unfair judgements,
broken sights
cracking through
lonely nights.

Looking through
your hourglass,
through silent words
of broken pasts.
I see the crack
run straight through you;
time's still falling,
no rest for you.

Planning big can be a gamble...I have already rolled the dice!

LoneWolf
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 384
IL

1 posted 2001-07-17 05:54 PM

wow i really loved this one, its awesome. great job.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

2 posted 2001-07-17 07:12 PM

I really liked this one.  The flow is pretty good all the way.  There's one place - the end of the first stanza - that could be touched up a little, but I'll get to that in a sec.  I really liked the way you repeated the first stanza twice, just changing it around in to a different perspective.  Nicely done there.
Okay, as for the flow.  At the end of the first stanza, the last 4 lines read:
"unfair judgements,
broken sights
cracking through
lonely nights."
I think that the second-to-last line there either needs to have one more syllable to match that first line, or the last line needs one more to make the meter sound right.  I would suggest this:
"unfair judgements,
broken sights
cracking through
the lonely nights."
Make sense?  Okay, the rhyme scheme was overall done pretty well.  The A-B-C-B rhyme scheme worked well for this poem.  However, the last 4 lines of the poem have no rhyme.  You used the word "you" twice, and that's not a rhyme.  I would suggest finding another word rhyming with "you" to put there.  That makes the rhyme scheme seem discreet.
Other than that, this poem is very well written.  The content is excellent.  The metaphor of the hourglass was creative.  Nice work!  I enjoyed this.

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning...

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-07-18 03:46 AM

I liked this one a LOT. I thought the flow was fine and the scheme was great. I really liked what this was saying too. I think this is one of my favs by u.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

CwboyAtHeart
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 541
Selah, WA, USA

4 posted 2001-07-18 08:05 PM

This one was nice. The flow was great. It just had a very nice touch to it, I really enjoyed it. Great!

      - Cody -

Note To Self:  If Pigs Can Fly, So Can I!!!

If someboy laughs at me, does that make me funny or just plain stupid?

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