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CwboyAtHeart
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 541
Selah, WA, USA

0 posted 2001-07-16 12:50 PM

Maaan, I have such a pitiful love life. lol This is just another try of mine at love poem turned bad. They always start with happy intentions, but end differently. Oh well. Here it is.

I THINK OF YOU

I think of you
Looking out my window tonight
I wonder if you think of me too
I still think our love was just right

I think of you
As I wish upon a star
I wish that I could have had
One last day before my heart went afar

I thought of you
Every time love was on my mind
Now one last moment with you by my side
Is something that I'm sure I will never find

I wanted you
To be the one to last forever
But after all of this precious time
I don't think we'll be back together

I still need you
Every time I'm feeling lonely
I wish you were still by my side
You will always be my one and only

[This message has been edited by CwboyAtHeart (edited 07-16-2001).]

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-07-16 02:44 AM

definitly the ending didnt turn out right...maybe revise it and think back to your first verse and what you were truly trying to say etc...i liked how it so far, Cody

...good luck on the revise.

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

stace_co2003
Member

since 2001-03-30

Posts 497
In a dream world

2 posted 2001-07-16 08:32 AM

the end of this poem needs to be revised, but other than that it was great!

I LOVE ZU, hey Albie, Cody, Allan, Carly, Cherish, Lizzy, Kris, *HUGS JAVI*, Tamma, Acire, and Branden.
*HUGS ZU*

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2001-07-16 08:29 PM

I think the whole poem needs another serious read through by you, and few things need to be changed.  I see you attempted to have a rhyme scheme.  I don't think there needs to be one here.  You have each stanza in the format so that the syllable counts are too drastic, and with the rhyme it sounds choppy, and has almost no meter or flow.  For instance, the third stanza reads:
"I think of you
As I wish upon a star
I wish that I could have had
One last day before my heart went afar"
That last line is far too long for the rest of the stanza, and that makes the rhyme seem very inconsistent as well.
The ending was weak as well.  It lacked power and emotion.  I think you should go through this again, and read it aloud, fixing every mistake you see in the flow, and maybe changing around the rhyme scheme a bit.
I think the idea of the poem was a good one.  The content was very sweet.  The fact that it was a first attempt at a love poem was surprising because it was well written.  Nicely done, just the same.

Thanks for sharing this with us, and keep posting all your work.

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning...

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-07-18 01:31 AM

This was nicely done with a few flops here and there. The flow kinda went off in certain areas...I thought the ending was a bit cliché. I think you can make it better-grant it you try hehe.
Anyhow, all together it was fine.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

5 posted 2001-07-19 03:04 AM

Ya, I guess the last line was "cliche" or whatever that worrd is. HeHe...But all in all I still liked the poem. My fav line was "I thought of you
Every time love was on my mind"
It made me smile. Nice read, Cody. Keep em coming for me.

allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

6 posted 2001-07-19 04:22 AM

i like the poem because i love the subject, i enjoed it a lot... but if ya wanna fix it up...then fix it up... just make sure you show up the final!

ALLIE

katherine
Member

since 2000-06-10

Posts 365
Canberra Australia

7 posted 2001-07-19 08:42 AM

well it was a good idea and you did try thats the important thing. Just go through and use the surgestions that others have given you.
good luck with it.
katie

fate can only take you so far, the rest is up to you

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