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Teen Poetry #5
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lil_pwheeler
Junior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 39
here

0 posted 2001-07-15 09:22 PM


In a small city
Across the tracks
Half the city
Only blacks

On the other
Side of town
All were white
None were brown

All they knew
Is what they been taught
Why they did this
They knew not

Till one day
When a young girl
Crossed the tracks
Over the hill

What they'd think
She did not care
So just why can't
She go over there

Through the ghettos
She did wander
As she passed
They did squander

She stoped at a corner
To a man she said hi
The man gave her the shoulder
And made no reply

She could tell
Her efferts were at a lack
So she turned
And crossed the track

[This message has been edited by lil_pwheeler (edited 07-15-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Pat - All Rights Reserved
anonymousfemale
Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
1 posted 2001-07-15 09:57 PM


The idea is there but you're lacking power behind your words. Maybe a revision of it would help to really bring it to life and make it stand out a bit more. You might also want to watch the flow in some of those stanzas if you aren't going to take another look at it. It went off in some places. Nothing that can't be fixed though.
Thanks for sharing.  

~AF~

Psychopathic chickens are plotting against me...

Mykels_Angel
Junior Member
since 2001-06-25
Posts 38
australia
2 posted 2001-07-15 11:27 PM


this is really good
keep up the good work!

anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

3 posted 2001-07-15 11:57 PM


i agree with eJ here...your idea was great in this one...but, the expression of the power of the idea was somewhere not there...i think this is a great start...good luck on the revise

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

Fading Away
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia
4 posted 2001-07-16 04:31 PM


The idea of the poem was awesome!  The ending was excellent.  The emotion in this poem was seriously lacking, though, as EJ and Alby said.  I think that you could rewrite this, and put more into it to make it a more powerful poem.  Thanks for sharing nonetheless   I enjoyed it.

--Marie

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

Spice
Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.
5 posted 2001-07-16 07:42 PM


I completely agree w/ Af, Alby, and Marie.

Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
6 posted 2001-07-18 11:45 PM


I thought this was fine, actually. I mean it's a really strong topic to be writing about and I thought you did just fine. Not as powerful it could have been, but it was nonetheless written nicely.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

CwboyAtHeart
Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 541
Selah, WA, USA
7 posted 2001-07-19 03:04 AM


I liked this one...  Not too many boundries left between the whites and blacks up here in Washington.  But I know it still goes on, and I bet that there are few people that dare to cross that line.  You showed that well, Great write.

      - Cody -

Note To Self:  If Pigs Can Fly, So Can I!!!

If someboy laughs at me, does that make me funny or just plain stupid?  

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