No Title (can ya help me?)

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Tamma

Senior Member

since 2000-01-17

Posts 794
In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV

0 posted 2001-07-14 05:36 PM

A tear slid down her cheek,
As she told him goodbye.
As she put down the phone,
Her emotions were at a peak.

But soon her tears dried up,
And remembered an old friend.
She’d found out something,
That he’d wanted to break up.

He made her feel so guilty,
About finding another.
And falling for him,
But she was suddenly happy.

For, at that moment, she knew,
He just wasn’t worth it.
She thought for sure,
That he was being untrue.

She’d called him on the phone,
And heard another voice.
He knew she heard it,
But swore it was his own.

She slammed the phone down,
And tried to hide a tear.
She wrapped her arms around another,
and gently kissed his jawbone.

"A friend's shoulder makes a
nice pillow when you're crying" ~Me
"If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I guess love is too" ~Me

JBaker515

Member

since 2001-02-28

Posts 458
Dartmouth College

1 posted 2001-07-14 07:22 PM

Tamma,
Not your best hun...
pretty simple rythme scheme, but i liked it.

What I didnt like
1) in this stanza
           But soon her tears dried up,
           And remembered an old friend.
           She’d found out something,
           That he’d wanted to break up.

I dont like how you used UP twice...it sorta took away from the poem.

And second, it just seemed like who threw some words in just to make it ryhme>> maybe im wrong, but it just read that way.

Over all good poem
keep it up girl!

~Jeff~

"Within you I lose myself
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again."

Tamma

Senior Member

since 2000-01-17

Posts 794
In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV

2 posted 2001-07-14 07:28 PM

acctually, i went to www.rhymer.com to find the rhymes

LoL Not exactly just thrown together, it took me a few hours to get it the way i wanted it

"A friend's shoulder makes a
nice pillow when you're crying" ~Me
"If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I guess love is too" ~Me

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

3 posted 2001-07-14 08:41 PM

i liked it...you expressed yourself..nicely, Tamma

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

CwboyAtHeart
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 541
Selah, WA, USA

4 posted 2001-07-14 10:26 PM

Hey. This one was good. But I agree, it's not your best. Still, it was good, I liked it. Keep writing.

(I personally like www.rhymezone.com... lol It helps out when the dreaded writers block comes around to take away your rhyming. lol)

- Cody -

If Pigs Can Fly, So Can I!!!

If someboy laughs at me, does that make me funny or just plain stupid?

fairy girl
Junior Member

since 2001-07-14

Posts 10
*~*Virginia*~*

5 posted 2001-07-14 10:57 PM

I liked this, it was "deep" I guess you could say. As for a title maybe "he wasn't worth it" or something along that line. if it doesnt work well its ok, just trying to help. thanks for the read.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

6 posted 2001-07-17 07:20 PM

Well it looks like your hard work paid off Tamma. I liked this poem. A story well told here. Hope to see more....

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

7 posted 2001-07-17 07:26 PM

Very well written story line. I enjoyed this, Tamma. It's different from what I've seen from you. Nice work.

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning...

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

8 posted 2001-07-22 02:47 AM

Hopefully things are better with you now, Tamma. It's hard moving on but it's best.
Thanks for the read.

~AF~

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.
~ Christian Nevell Bovee ~

allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

9 posted 2001-07-22 05:01 AM

Really nice,
Strong emotions...

I liked it a lot

ALLIE

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