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fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

0 posted 2001-07-11 12:21 PM

Love's Lingo

What sets me apart is sway of hips
And salty air surrounding reddened lips
Pardoners talk and goblins shreek
Words meaning the exact same
As those she will speak
To drink in her rich language 'tween sips
And lazily mouthing her elliptical scythe name
As i drink her in (carefree) between sips
Slower without pause i find her hands
Drawing for me letters and words of different lands
Soon for me to understand
And curve of her tongue for me
With lines i spoke borrowed from harlequinn's journal
Leaving now with full and disast'rous air
Ripe now for infectious seed or kernel
Someone has covered my lightness earth with sunken boards
Unable to break through, words are words; types of swords
Ill suited for the slaying of forgotten hearts.

"and Death i think is no paranthesis"-e.e. cummings

punkrockerrobin

Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 1180
Sparks, NV

1 posted 2001-07-11 12:22 PM

this one was good! me likes!
robin

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2001-07-11 02:00 AM

...........wow........

zarina
Member

since 2001-05-19

Posts 180

3 posted 2001-07-11 04:15 AM

great poem..once again. You're a good writer!

I am always myself. Isn't that enough for you?

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-07-11 04:21 AM

I thought the content within the poem rocked but the flow was off in some spots and the ryhme scheme confused the living hell out of me haha, but like I said....the concent, amazing.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

mistic
Member

since 2001-05-06

Posts 233
Idaho, U.S.A.

5 posted 2001-07-11 12:10 PM

this is really good... the imagery is awesome. good job.

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

6 posted 2001-07-11 12:28 PM

I second Dopeys reply. I was so confused, but the poem itself was good, when I ignored the rhyme.

*Amanda*
I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

7 posted 2001-07-12 02:34 AM

definitly the cintent was awesome...the whole poem was very nice

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

8 posted 2001-07-24 07:51 PM

Your thoughts are incredible, but you need to fix the lines a bit more. Then this poem will become a classic. keep it up.

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

9 posted 2001-07-24 11:41 PM

Wow. I really liked this. The way you wrote it was awesome. Wonderful content. But I agree- the rhyme scheme could be cleaned up a bit- then it would be incerible.

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

10 posted 2001-07-27 07:20 AM

i thought that this was pretty darn well done...i loved the imagery within it..you are a good writer..thanks for sharing..

"Killer in me is a killer in you, my love
Send a smile over to you"
Disarm
Smashing Pumkins

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

11 posted 2001-07-27 08:45 AM

I liked this loads. But I agree that the flow may have been a bit off. Good work tho!

Jenn

"Baby I've been drifting away, dreaming all day, of holding you, touching you, the only thing that I wanna do is be with you..."Faith Hill

JBaker515

Member

since 2001-02-28

Posts 458
Dartmouth College

12 posted 2001-07-27 12:01 PM

this was cool, i enjoyed it.
The best of all was the imagery, keep up the good work!!

~Jeff~

"Within you I lose myself
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again."

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

13 posted 2001-07-27 02:21 PM

Your imagery kicked ass! keep writing.

If you only understood my pain then maybe you could learn to be my friend. Be there. My crying shoulder. The smiles. And the caring i need to survive.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

14 posted 2001-08-01 01:28 PM

I agree with Regi that the imagery rocks throughout this piece, but it wasn't my fave from you. The flow was pretty good.. but the rhyme scheme was very sporadic. I would suggest making a more structured rhyme scheme. Thanks for sharing..

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning.

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