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Teen Poetry #5
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no tears for you
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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no tears for you |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
hey all, i think my writers block may be gone *spins around in happy circles* Plz read this and reply honestly, thanks! -fear- no one to hit no one to strike aww daddy what are you gonna do without me in your life? you say you're sorry but oh well cause i finally got the courage to tell mom and now you're in jail maybe now you know how it feels to have your life resemble hell cause for 13 years i had nobody to tell in your letters you say "I still love you." what? is that supposed to make me cry? i guess you shoulda thought about that before you beat the tears from my swollen eyes -fear- i'm a penguin! i'm a penguin! i'm a cute lil penguiiiin! i'm a penguin i'm a penguin! i eat FISH!--tis the pretty penguin song [This message has been edited by fearing-laughter (edited 07-07-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 bergundy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
 Hura Fear! Your writer's block is gone! True Story Fear??? Good for you for telling! Twas the right and smart thing to do. Amazing write here. VERY powerful. I liked the last 2 lines ALOT! |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
 Woohoo! Awesome.. no more annoying writer's block!  This poem is well written. the emotions all throughout are portrayed vey well. I'm sorry that you ever went through this. You say you want a critique on the poem. that's what I'll give you. I think the flow in some places is great. The first few lines of the first stanza, for instance is excellent. The last line, however, is too long for the rest of the stanza. I think that first stanza should be written line this: "no one to hit no one to strike aww daddy what are you gonna do without me in your life?" That would help the flow, and make the rhyme scheme a bit more creative. The rest of the stanzas, although having a pretty good rhyme scheme going on, have no flow. The lines are very staggered, and that disrupts the meter quite a bit. I would suggest going through, and making the rest of the poem like the first stanza. I did enjoy this poem. The last line hit very hard, and no deserves to have to live with that kind of abuse. I hope you know that. Congrats again, on getting your muse back --Marie You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds. |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
thanks spice and marie :-) thanks for pointing out that error...i think i meant to make it that way, but forgot or somethin. i wrote this when i was half awake lol. it's kind of a true story, cept in real life i didn't tell anyone. now i wish i had. thanks guys. -fear- i'm a penguin! i'm a penguin! i'm a cute lil penguiiiin! i'm a penguin i'm a penguin! i eat FISH!--tis the pretty penguin song [This message has been edited by fearing-laughter (edited 07-07-2001).] |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
This poem was really good. If something is wrong in your life, it's never too late to fix it.... Hope all turns out well.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
Congrats on getting over writers block! This was a great poem. The last line really hit me hard. I really do hope that the part about him being in jail is also real. That is where anyone who abuses someone like this should be. *hugz* *Amanda* |
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Kicking Kim Member
since 2001-04-16
Posts 426Cloud Cucko Land! |
Wow, this was an incredible poem. I liked it very much, I hope it isn't personal to you though, if so *hugs you* stay strong hon! Keep writing!!  ^*~Kicking Kim~*^ "Theres no posession, just obsession and growing depression" |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
powerful...the last line hit me HARD!...great job one expressing yourself...it came out nicely. im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Oh, I'm speechless. Excellent write! Rhonda  "Amy, can you PLEASE come to Spain with us so that we have someone to keep Rhonda calm?" - Mr. Ardiel *insert hysterical laughter from me here* |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
He deserves whhat he got, and probably even more. hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare |
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mistic Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 233Idaho, U.S.A. |
Awesome poem.... very strong impact. I hope things get better for you. |
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Isabel Galaxia Senior Member
since 2000-06-18
Posts 733 |
Wow. I'm kind of speechless. It's great that the abuse has stopped....... As to the last stanza....grrr...some people.. Bel |
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