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ForeverMyOwn
Junior Member

since 2001-11-23

Posts 13
Brighton, MI

0 posted 2002-02-28 09:34 PM

The sun shines,
a cloud rains.
In a way that's mine,
I release the pain.

This is the only time im happy,
doin' what I love.
If others think its sappy,
I'll show'em what im made of.

Round and round we run,
with nowhere left to go.
0ther lifes i shun,
my own is all I know.

The sun shines,
a cloud rains.
In a way that's mine,
I release the pain.

-Queth-
Junior Member

since 2002-02-10

Posts 35
Canada

1 posted 2002-02-28 10:55 PM

-ForeverMyOwn-

This was a nice short piece. I personally love the sun, although it's not great when you're practically blinded by it...but what can you do besides cover it with a cardboard cloud? -grin-

Small sugggestion:

{This is the only time im happy,
doin' what I love.
If others think its sappy,
I'll show'em what im made of.}- To me, the "of" at the end made this stanza feel incomplete, as if there was something that was to come afterwards. Is it possible to reword it? I don't think it's anything major though. Just another two-headed opinion. -smile-

Other than that, this was a good poem! Keep it up!

Q.u.e.t.h.

Everything in between...

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

2 posted 2002-03-01 05:44 PM

ForeverMyOwn-
I love this.
I particularly enjoyed these lines...

   "The sun shines,
   a cloud rains.
   In a way that's mine,
   I release the pain."

Very nicely said.
Hugs,
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

xShUgArHiGhx