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TearsOfPearls
Member

since 1999-09-23

Posts 322
Vereeniging, South-Africa

0 posted 2001-06-25 05:11 PM

I need a place
somewhere far,
away from here
and his daily war
of who is wrong
and who is right,
I don't want to be
part of this fight.

I need a place
where I can rest
and forget about
this daily quest
to make me fall,
to let me know
about what I'm not
and where I should go.

I found that place
inside my head,
to the outside world
I'm emotionally dead
but I'm just so tired
of explaining myself
to a world that cares
only about looks and welth.

I need to be here alone,
I need this place to stay my own.

Planning big can be a gamble...I have already rolled the dice!

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

1 posted 2001-06-25 05:20 PM

Great poem! There's a good message here, and you even make it rhyme! HA! CHA-CHING! *calms down*
I like this very much. Keep it up!

-Leah

Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

FoxXena
Member

since 2001-06-13

Posts 141
where dragons play, children run free and foxes are never hunted

2 posted 2001-06-25 06:45 PM

When I need that kind of privacy, I just go to my room, and read.

~*~It is said that laughter is the shortest distance between two people...~*~
~*~I say it is the written word.~*~

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2001-06-25 06:55 PM

I haven't seen you around here in a while. Welcome back

  It's good to see you posting again.
I liked this poem a lot.  The message was very nice.  It's true.. too much of society today is placed on looks and wealth.
I really like the way you ended the poem with a couplet.  It summed everything up very nicely.
The rhyme scheme was overall pretty good.  There were a few places, where you maybe could and should have used a different word.
Meter was very choppy here.  The first stanza, fourth line changes the meter and flow of the poem.  "and his daily war" reading it aloud, you have to rush the word "daily" for that line to sound right.  Careful of that.  The flow depends greatly on meter.
The flow was pretty good, although awkward at places.  For instance, "I don't want to be/part of this fight."  This occurs in more place than one, where the syllable counts of a line, and a line after are drastic, affecting the flow a little.
...Just a few pointers

I agree 100% with this message. It's one that I think everyone needs to acknowledge. This is a very well done poem. I enjoyed it greatly. Thanks for posting this, and keep sharing all your work with us

Nice work.

--Marie

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

Linc

Senior Member

since 2001-03-07

Posts 552
The Backstreet Boy

4 posted 2001-06-25 07:09 PM

Hey,

Well the poem was wonderful

oh and umm on the place all I have to say is bring fudge it makes everything better

-- Linc

       "Blood Moon"
   Host: Lark.crodo.com
         Port:1313

stace_co2003
Member

since 2001-03-30

Posts 497
In a dream world

5 posted 2001-06-25 10:39 PM

I really like this poem..and I can't really critique poems very well except to say I like it or hate it, lol, but I really like this!

I don't have an attitude problem You have a perception problem.

Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

6 posted 2001-06-27 12:57 PM

I feel as though it's not that good of a decision to just stay in your mind and hide yourself from all the pain. If anything you might want to fight back for your own sane mind to be healthy.
ANyhow, I don't really know the situation, but you did well on this one.
I liked it.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

7 posted 2001-06-28 06:06 AM

Oh man, I was going through the same thing at one stage. There is just one little thing that totally threw me off and ruined the read and that was the spelling of wealth. I'm sorry to be so picky but it just knocked me off for a moment. It's all good though now and I really enjoyed reading it.

Thanks for this.

~AF~

Just because I hear voices doesn't mean I'm crazy...SHUT UP IN THERE!!!

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

8 posted 2001-06-29 03:21 PM

Great job on this one. This is the second of yours that I have read lately, and I really enjoy your work. Keep them coming!!

*Amanda*
I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

9 posted 2001-07-05 02:04 AM

I really liked this.
Sometimes ya just gotta get away from everything. Even if you just lose yourself in your own mind...
Excellent job.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

10 posted 2001-07-06 02:44 AM

very nice...i enjoyed the poem...the mind can be a best place/worst place...it all depends on the thoughts...i guess.

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

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