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Open Poetry #14
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Dr.Moose1
Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

0 posted 2001-06-05 05:56 PM


A sheild of trust I weild before , in awe
of what I fear's become a mockery .
Ideals I will not yeild , my sword I draw
and rage against my own hypocrisy .

Deflecting and rejecting blows of guilt
the war is raged as I stand silent by .
My cross to bear , this sword held by the hilt
in time may answer just one question , why ?

If I am half the man I think I am
what need have I for armor's polished curves ?
Should I cease to perpetuate this sham
would not my conscience be far better served ?

But oh , the spoils of war wouldn't be so sweet
without this sheild of words measured in feet !


© Copyright 2001 William E.Kleist - All Rights Reserved
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

1 posted 2001-06-05 08:00 PM


There's nothing as lovely as a sonnet, I always say! Fantastic, Dr. Moose! I made a few minor changes for your consideration that I felt helped the meter. Wonderful sonnet! More, more, more, I say!!

A sheild of trust I wield before , in awe
of what I fear's become a mockery .
Ideals I will not yeild , my sword I draw
and rage against my own hypocrisy .

Deflecting and rejecting blows of guilt
the war is raged as I stand silent by .
My cross to bear , this sword held by the hilt
in time may answer just one question , why ?

If I am half the man I think I am
what need have I for armor's polished curves ?
In ceasing to perpetuate this sham
would not my conscience be far better served ?

But would the spoils of war be near as sweet
without this sheild of words in measured feet ?


Poeminister
Senior Member
since 2000-02-26
Posts 1862
Regina SK; Canada
2 posted 2001-06-05 08:19 PM


Dr.Moose1
Enjoyed this read.  Exceptionally done.

Poeminister

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA
3 posted 2001-06-06 09:48 PM


You make a valid point my dear Denise
mere words cannot express my gratitude .
Most kind of you to share your expertise
the meter flows more true but what of mood ?

As true to nature as my prankish past
I spoke of battle raging from within ,
but from the git go right down to the last
no out-come was in doubt , I knew who'd win

Perhaps Ol' Blue Eyes said it best ,
for when it comes down to my poetry ,
no matter how I try I fail the test
'cause in the end I just gotta be me !

Seriously though , I am flattered you took the time to help with the meter . One of my idiosyncrasies ( there's too many to list )
is that when I read iambic pentameter , it comes out more like  , da Da / da da da DA / da da da DA . Even though I'm pretty sure this is illegal , immoral or both , and would get me kicked out of sonnet school in a heart-beat ,
both the original  , and the above reply were
written this way . Don't tell me ( I already know )I should seek help . Thanks again ,
Doc



Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

4 posted 2001-06-07 07:20 PM


da da da DA da da da DA da da da DAAAAAA   Any way you want to sing it sounds good to my ears, Dr.Moose!
Watersign6
Senior Member
since 2001-05-25
Posts 823
Hurricane,WV
5 posted 2001-06-07 07:58 PM


very enjoyable read Moose1  
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

6 posted 2001-07-03 04:15 PM


This is great! Thanks for stating the form, and since I'm studying you, lol, into my library, maybe I'll attempt a sonnet soon! Thanks, Doc!
Decaflame
Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635

7 posted 2001-07-03 04:22 PM


If this is illegal and immoral, we need a little more....

rules are great....

but style and flair must count a little, too...catch it, "count"...LOL at me....

OLIAS
Senior Member
since 2000-06-20
Posts 1090
Pearl city Iowa
8 posted 2001-07-03 07:24 PM


Brilliantly done, I enjoyed this very much, I'm just getting into sonnets and this is indeed something to strive for. Thank you.

Regards,
Olias.

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