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VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon

0 posted 2001-05-30 11:51 AM



Here Comes Summer
Virginia Salter

Here comes summer...
with its flags unfurled
its best boy and girl
barbecues heating up night
its bombs bursting in air
porch rocking chair
all in the space
of an evening.

It’s songs of the eve
its shortened up sleeve
with dances neath moonlight’s balm
pirouettes under the stars
rides in open-topped cars
adding to the lovely of calm

balloons rising toward sun
sandals  heading for fun
you at my side morn through night
fireflies lighting our way
sparkling up end of our day
making everything feel just right

though blossoms of spring
have left on the wind
sweet flowers of summer still reign
growing lambs in the field
grains in high yield
will head up old sparrow’s refrain

let’s enjoy summer’s song
its lazing along
with late night and early-rise morn
butterflies and bees
flitting by trees
as laughter on breezes is born


© May 29, 2001

Question:  Do you think it imperative that I change the first stanza to match the remaining pattern?

© Copyright 2001 Virginia Salter - All Rights Reserved
SEA
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Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676
with you
1 posted 2001-05-30 11:59 AM


answer: no it all works  

I liked this very much.....( and I love having summer's off   )   SEA

Lady In White
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Member Elite
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799
USA
2 posted 2001-05-30 12:02 PM


The first stanza sets off the remainder of the poem...

which has a soft feel of summer's warmth...

well done!

[I would change breezes to breeze...]

[This message has been edited by Lady In White (edited 05-30-2001).]

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

3 posted 2001-05-30 12:29 PM


It’s songs of the eve
its shortened up sleeve
with dances neath moonlight’s balm
pirouettes under the stars
rides in open-topped cars
adding to the lovely of calm

balloons rising toward sun
sandals  heading for fun
you at my side morn through night
fireflies lighting our way
sparkling up end of our day
making everything feel just right
=============================

Virginia this is delightful...
an wonderful poem of anticipation of the season and coming holiday.
and to answer your  question...
the cadence was wonderful, it all works.
well done poetess  

I'm hanging on your every word
Even if you dont want to speak tonite
It's alright
I'm sitting outside heaven's door
listening to you breathe

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
4 posted 2001-05-30 12:52 PM


Yes, let's enjoy the summer song
For it won't last quite that long
Then Autumn's orange colours apear
So let's enjoy and take a beer

Love your poem VAS, thank you

Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Feel free to use the pictures on my website. http://communities.msn.com/Titiasplace&naventryid=100

Panne447
Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196
S.A. TX
5 posted 2001-05-30 01:00 PM


VAS,
Nice memories of summer just like when I was young.
Personally, I would change 1st verse to match rest but then I like nice tidy symetrical packages. That may be just my personal opinion. I think it would also let us know there is a pattern from the get go-
until you asked the question, I had seen no pattern and really never heard it either. Then I went back to find what you were talking about - could be my mood too but I just never noticed it. Now that I have, I think you should match it with the rest. If you start off with the pattern we may notice it right away and that will add much more impact to your piece AND let us see the work you did too. Meaning that any poem is work but a good one is one that makes it look like it was easy to compose. This one fulfilled that - meaning it was a super piece and it looked way too easy but if you can match up your 1st verse then I'd say it was not only a lot of work but you did make it look too easy. So you will have succeeded. I hope that makes sense.  Anyway, just my opinion.  I enjoyed the trip. Panne

Charisma
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 2000-09-30
Posts 5906
lost in blue pages
6 posted 2001-05-30 03:38 PM


oh yeah Summer....can smell it all in your words...

Charisma

ethome
Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada
7 posted 2001-05-30 03:43 PM


I wouldn't, I think the first stanza works just fine.

Loved the warm peaceful easy feeling this poem created in my perspective. esp. this verse....

               "It’s songs of the eve
                its shortened up sleeve
                with dances neath moonlight’s balm
                pirouettes under the stars
                rides in open-topped cars
                adding to the lovely of calm."

I feel so relaxed now......zzzzzzzphewzzzzzzphewzzzzzz

brian madden
Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374
ireland
8 posted 2001-05-30 05:28 PM


At least you guys get the weather for summer
though I hear we are in for a good one this year so that will mean a week with out a drop of rain yippe

really enjoyed the poem, Vas.    

"you are what you own in this land, you can be king and it all depends on the view and what you can see"  Whipping boy

VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon
9 posted 2001-05-30 06:26 PM


Thanks all for your votes re. 1st stanza.  Of course, I still want to hear from more poets, Little Miss Insecurity here. ;O}

SEA, glad you liked!  You have summers off, are you a teacher or a student?

Lady in White, 'breezes' bothered me, too. I think I left it because of the syllable count.  I could get the same count by adding a 'the' but I try so hard to use as few 'the's' as possible.

Janet Marie, thank you so much for your specifics and your wonderful praise.  I appreciate knowing your favorite parts.

Titia, I truly enjoyed your poetic response!

Panne, I very much appreciate your "Pannedid" remarks.  That is the exact reason for which I was wondering about lining it up.  Although, I kind of like the fact you didn't 'see' the pattern until I mentioned it.  In some ways, I think that may be good...eliminating the 'sing-song' feel that is so frowned upon.

Charisma, summer does have its own aroma, doesn't it.  Glad you had the sense of it while reading.

ethome...thanks for the vote of confidence, your response's ending almost put me to sleep.

Brian...I always thought Ireland was a great deal like my growing up home town, Salem, Oregon.  Lots of green because of the rain, but we get a great deal more than one week without rain.  We had some wonderful summers and springs.  It's really green, too, and just below the 45th parallel. I always loved the warm, gentle summer rain, well, when I didn't have to worry about my hair.  It was wonderful to go walking in.  I think I've only experienced two rains like that in my current home town.

[This message has been edited by VAS (edited 05-30-2001).]

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