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Open Poetry #13

So much

walker
Member Elite

since 2001-02-11

Posts 2240
Florida

0 posted 2001-05-16 08:06 PM

So much words have been written.
So much love has been profess.
Nothing like my love for you,
this one is blessed.
Gently holding you while you sleep.
All your worries gone astray.
As I watch with such peace.
My heart to you I give.
I brush your lips with a kiss,
and I smell your manly breath.
How I love you? I cannot count the ways.
Your my life, my joy, my pain.
I adore the way you talk.
I worship the ground you walk.
If this love cannot be,
I will fail to exist.

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

1 posted 2001-05-16 08:56 PM

Hi Walker, lovely thoughts in this. Since you encourage critiques I have a few suggested changes to make your poem flow more smoothly. I like to have a poem read as 'naturally' as possible, without too many missing words or incomplete thoughts. Again, very lovely thoughts. Sounds like love to me!

So many words have been written.
So much love has been professed.
There's nothing like my love for you,
this one is blessed.
Gently holding you while you sleep.
All your worries have gone astray
As I watch I'm bathed in peace.
My heart, to you, I give.
I brush your lips with a kiss,
and I smell your manly breath.
How do I love you? I cannot count the ways.
You are my life, my joy, my pain.
I adore the way you talk;
I worship the ground on which you walk.
If this love cannot be,
I shall cease to exist.

[This message has been edited by Denise (edited 05-16-2001).]

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