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Open Poetry #13
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A Memory
| Open Poetry #13 |
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A Memory |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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Roughly, she drags her eyes over his form, half-lit in the evening he stands, unaware of how much she loves the curves of him he thinks he’s a wasted man with the best years behind him – sorrowed out through divorce, aloneness and living daily She sees only how laughter auras him, and his youth – undefined by character lines If only she could merge with the light and slide along his skin, stirring the dark hairs of his arm remaining there, part of his growth The separation of tomorrow: it mingles with the dusk, his legs stretching and the pang she feels when he moves, smiling, and puts his hand on her hair, his heart around her after six mornings she knows his lips are manna – and magic so her love dances in the dust-motes – atmosphered goodbye isn’t necessary yet [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 05-01-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
If only she could merge with the light and slide along his skin, stirring the dark hairs of his arm remaining there, part of his growth OH MY! This is so intensely loving--the desire to be THIS complete with our loves... Moving, K....these lines just stunned me. |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
If only she could merge with the light and slide along his skin, stirring the dark hairs of his arm remaining there, part of his growth Absolutely beautiful Kamla speechless.  Maree |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
goodbye isn’t necessary yet ----it sure isn't - not with this much intensity of togetherness. Beautiful poetry, obviously from a loving heart. I so enjoyed this. Please visit me at my new homepage: |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
"If only she could merge with the light and slide along his skin," WOW! Oh, I loved this Kamla ... there's such power and intensity in your words, countered with such delicate and flowing sentiments, just beautiful! I really enjoyed this! Best wishes, /Kit |
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catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
Hi, this is so beautiful, it speaks of a true and lasting love. Sandra |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Kamla~ Some memories are etched deeper ... 'how much she loves the curves of him' Nicely said, poet gal ! ~*Marge(y)*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
enjoy |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
hehe yu hdancin on the lines to this one yuh |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
K, you know that you spoke to me with this one don't you?? this is excellent. . . these are the memories that last. . . a lifetime. . . ---------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
This....has been placed in my library. For the most obvious of reasons! |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Kamla--You manage to convey such intense feeling with just a few perfectly put together words...something I need to learn how to do. This is an awesome write!! |
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Auguste
since 2000-02-16
Posts 3953By the sea |
Kamla, This is sensual in a way that I've not seen many done, because this one has a realness to it that is quite appealing. I felt as if I almost know the man of whom you speak, simply by listening to your description of how he makes you feel. A fine poem, my friend. Fine, indeed. Michael Proust- |
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Martini Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 308Toronto, Ontario, Canada |
wow this was amazing i could feel such love and warmth beautifully done "In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It Goes On" |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
you have pedestalled me to the point of acrophobia, for now i fear i can't live at that great height...lol... thank you for seeing the best in me, you are so special in so many ways. This was outstanding dear. Thank you! J [This message has been edited by Jamie (edited 05-01-2001).] |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
This is excellent poetry, specific imagery, makes sense, a very, very enjoyable read, reads like "English" I can understand it. Thank you! Kathleen Blake |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Severn You are looking for critique? Here ya go! Roughly, she drags her eyes over ** the opening words "roughly" and "drags" seem to jar a little with her feelings as expressed in the remainder of the poem his form, half-lit in the evening he stands, unaware of how much she loves the curves of him ** nice pictures and color, but the last two lines verging on cliche, also "curves" is normally so associated with the feminine form that it seems slightly weird here. Maybe that was your intention? he thinks he's a wasted man with the best years behind him – ** ok sorrowed out through ** dislike "sorrowed out" .....if you were shooting for "wrung out" as in a sponge then it works, but for some reason I just don't like "sorrowed" divorce, aloneness and living daily ** mundane She sees only how laughter auras him, and his youth – undefined by character lines ** yay, now we're moving - I can SEE this and it has rhythm and sound... good work If only she could merge with the light and slide along his skin, stirring the dark hairs of his arm remaining there, part of his growth ** better and better. Nice imagery - earthy but convincing, with wonderful originality The separation of tomorrow: it mingles with the dusk, his legs stretching and the pang she feels ** this is good as well when he moves, smiling,and puts his hand on her hair, his heart around her ** be careful, you are sliding back towards unoriginal writing, but "heart around her" is too nice to resist so I guess you get away with it! after six mornings she knows his lips are manna – and magic so her love dances in the dust-motes – ** "dances in dust motes" and "magic" are near cliche but the first line and a half is good. Maybe the alliteration is a bit much in this section. atmosphered ** no no no goodbye isn't necessary yet ** this poem deserves a stronger ending. You have a clear understanding of imagery and how to use it to express emotion and feeling, but in parts you lose your way I feel. ** all in all though, a moving tribute to someone ** I hope that wasnt too painful, and thank you. F [This message has been edited by furlong (edited 05-03-2001).] |
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RMW Senior Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 1424 |
Severn..."..and the pang she feels when he moves..." I once wrote a poem about my wife moving through a room. Lovely. A very interesting piece. Bob |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
How refreshing is it to read you, Kamla... Regards, Sudhir |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
...and I thought "roughly" was perfect... library There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
WOW...I er..forgot to thank everyone... THANKYOU - and a special thanks to my inspiration of course... ~satpsych~ Furlong..I appreciate your critique very much and will get back to it in greater deal when I have the time.. suffice to say - roughly and drags were designed to work together...but you definitely have some points I'm considering...  K |
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Coal Surrender Member
since 2001-04-01
Posts 84U.S. |
Ever the pleasure, I find a great deal to enjoy in your writing. I thoroughly enjoy the way you see, and show what your heart unveils. Coal |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
back for another read.... Kathleen |
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Decaflame Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635 |
The one thing wrong with critiques is: we were not in the mind of the poet when the poem was being written... I myself like the format of the words...as they offer a different viewpoint to all who read... and the ending is, well, IWIHWT.... |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
I think the ending is beautifull. "goodbye isn't necessary yet" Nothing more should be said, it's just the here and now that counts. Titia |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
IWIHWT???? |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
i fully enjoyed this.. a wonderful tribute to hope.. it aint over yet!! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Thankyou... I'm thrilled this poem has had such a response...One question (echoing my J's lol) WHAT, Deca, is IWIHWT???? Titia - I would like to believe that...but right now the future is fairly important too K |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Severn: Deca used an acronym for I Wish I Had Written That. *S* (And I concur with the sentiment *S*) This brought back a treasured memory for me and sharpened a picture that tears had blurred... I thank you for that. *S* Great poem! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Suthern...just saw this...hugs...I'm glad my words could touch you this deeply, really I am... K |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
touching write |
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