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Open Poetry #13
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Effigy
Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486
disbelief

0 posted 2001-04-12 05:48 PM



Now nameless nectar
naturally nocturnal
neurotic nature

[This message has been edited by Effigy (edited 04-13-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 wes wiggins - All Rights Reserved
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676
with you
1 posted 2001-04-12 06:52 PM


This is great! Now I'll have to try one like this.....   SEA
wayoutwalt
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870
TEXAS (it's all big)
2 posted 2001-04-12 07:58 PM


very hard to write you did well
Panne447
Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196
S.A. TX
3 posted 2001-04-13 01:29 AM


Effigy,
This is very good - I enjoyed what you wrote here but line one should have 5 syllables -you need one more, line 2 is ok with the 7 syls but line 3 has 8 - 3 more than it should have. So it must be rewritten to be a Senyru. However as a short poem - it is super.  I liked it anyway.  Panne

VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon
4 posted 2001-04-13 01:36 AM


I liked this, it makes me think I need to read it again when my brain isn't ready for bed, as I think it has a deep meaning that will take pondering.

Yep, Panne's right on the senyru form.

Effigy
Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486
disbelief
5 posted 2001-04-13 11:45 AM


Panne...Humm. You would appear to be right. I made a boo boo. Well now the question is "is it worth being rewritten just to become a senryu?"  I don't know.
Effigy
Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486
disbelief
6 posted 2001-04-13 11:51 AM


Ok? So I changed it. It is a senryu now.
Panne447
Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196
S.A. TX
7 posted 2001-04-13 12:42 PM


Effigy, I liked it as a short poem but I think you have a terrific Senyru here too. Why not keep both...add to your portfolio.
Panne

Watersign6
Senior Member
since 2001-05-25
Posts 823
Hurricane,WV
8 posted 2001-06-07 09:29 PM


either way it is GREAT!!  
dreamy_eyes
Member
since 2000-06-17
Posts 67

9 posted 2001-06-10 11:04 AM


wot can i say WOW!

Life is like a box of chocolates...you know there's something good inside but by the time you remove the wrapping, it's gone all soft and squidgey!

Julian L. Chester
Member
since 2001-06-05
Posts 50

10 posted 2001-06-10 02:44 PM


thats is nice but i dont understand so please help me understand thanx
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