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Panne415
Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 104
San Antonio

0 posted 2001-03-26 04:01 PM



Atoms in August


Instant
stark white
cosmic flashbulb fusion
catches everybody by surprise
surrounding all.
Mrs. Miyamoto
crumbles to ash.
The plant she was watering
became one with her soul.
Her son’s first birthday
lasted forever.
Strange beginnings for
Hiroshima’s morning.

Three days later,
between mouthfuls of an
early lunch of cold rice,
Mr. Nagamora fixes his camera
when the flash gun
accidentally fires twice
in succession.
On the second burst of light
his image is transferred
to the wall,
disintegrates
and
disappears within the vapors
along with everything around
the soot that he became.
When the fireball died
it became a sixty thousand
foot cloud that rose
within 300 seconds
into Nagasaki’s summer air
and hung darkly
changing the seasons
forever.

Panne © 2000

© Copyright 2001 Panne - All Rights Reserved
Jellybean King
Member
since 2001-03-07
Posts 153
Jelly, Bean
1 posted 2001-03-26 04:33 PM


This is great...I really enjoyed it! I liked the imagery of becoming one with the plant...birthday lasting forever...your imagery of the atomic bomb was golden...the photograph...changing the seasons forever. Your factual tone contrasted nicely with this theme...I think it would have been less effective had you put in a lot of emotional elements. I also noticed the visual presentation...kind'a looks like a mushroom cloud rising in the sky.

Jellybean King

Packratmike
Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632
California, USA
2 posted 2001-03-26 09:53 PM


"and hung darkly
changing the seasons
forever."

A haunting poem that grabbed at the pit of my stomach.
All around great job done here Panne.

Mike

Panne415
Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 104
San Antonio
3 posted 2001-03-26 10:59 PM


Thank you both.
JB - you got it all - I am so pleased and you are right - I was going for the mushroom cloud. I am thrilled you caught it.

Mike, thanks a million. I kinda liked that line too but didn't see the portent or import til a friend pointed it out. Glad you saw it too.

Thank you both for your insights and comments. Panne
An aside: After I wrote this I saw an old movie on tv called 'The Day After' and the special effects in there not only brought this to life for me but made me quite ill and very upset. What promted this was watching the video Snow Falling on Cedars.

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
4 posted 2001-03-26 10:59 PM


Panne,
A painful read, a sad read, a good reminder.
Good work.

tradewind
Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 101

5 posted 2001-03-26 11:12 PM


Panne, so much of importance in this poem
using the visual and poetic with much skill

very talented, enjoyed this

kaile
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146
singapore
6 posted 2001-03-27 03:23 AM


panne,

i well remember this one from allpoets.com and i think i copied this down because i was so intrigued by it...

i dont have the book(in which i copied all my poems) with me now but i am willing to bet that you have made some revisions to it and somehow this reads even better than when i first read it....

i liked the matter-of-fact tone within this one..its like the horrible truth clings even tighter to you when it is understated...

kai

Panne415
Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 104
San Antonio
7 posted 2001-03-27 02:18 PM


Thank you all for coming in to read.

KaiLe, yes - this has changed - I combined Atoms of August and Metamorphose on the Ninth into one piece called Atoms in August. I did add a new thought or two too.

Tho I must say it was always a "just the facts,  Ma'am" piece. Glad you came back to read it - and are still moved by it. I posted a short, short piece in here for you KaiLe - called A Wasted Portion - if you haven't seen it yet - you might check it out.  Smiles, Panne

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

8 posted 2001-03-29 12:04 PM


when the flash gun
accidentally fires twice
in succession.
On the second burst of light
his image is transferred
to the wall,
disintegrates
and
disappears within the vapors
along with everything around
the soot that he became
===========================

WOW .. what powerful and stirring imagery and descriptive writing.
this is a very unique and clever piece of poetry Panne ...
disturbing and haunting yet very cool.
great use of presentation and form as well
well done poet  

oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
~Sarah McLachlan~

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
9 posted 2001-03-30 01:35 PM


This is excellent writing....James
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676
with you
10 posted 2001-03-30 01:43 PM


yes, excellent is what I was thinking too...that and wow....   SEA
dragonpoe
Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608
Palm Bay, Florida
11 posted 2001-03-30 03:05 PM


I remember this one from AllPoet's, but did you change it somewhere? The ending sounded different, but it could be that it's been awhile since I read it. Always enjoy your work  

With the word, I am mighty, with the pen I am free..
dragonpoe

biggestal
New Member
since 2001-03-29
Posts 5
rafford........scotland
12 posted 2001-03-30 03:23 PM


subtly deft use of imagery........were it mine there's nothing i would change.........


Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
13 posted 2001-03-30 03:45 PM


Excellent portrayal of humanity and its inhumaness...
jwesley
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563
Spring, Texas
14 posted 2001-03-31 09:34 PM


I remember this one too Panne...was always, and still is, one of my favorites of yours.
Glad to have reread it.

jwesley

Panne447
Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196
S.A. TX
15 posted 2001-04-10 05:18 PM


Janet - Thank you so much for you critique, I truly appreciate what you saw in this.

James, thank you for stopping by and reading

Sea - I appreciate you input very much. Thanks again

Dpoe -yes I changed it- I combined the two pieces mentioned above...but kept both originals too.  Thanks for popping in again. I appreciate it.

Big - thanks - for right now I don't think I will change anything tho am still not satisfied with some awkward spots(to me anyway)

Sunshine - thank you - that is what I was trying for as the underlining message. Great to see it came thru...

Jim- Thanks for everything.


Thanks to everyone for stopping by and letting me know what you got out of this.  
I am very pleased that it moved everyone. Panne



Interloper
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369
Deep in the heart
16 posted 2001-04-10 06:00 PM


Panne, I almost missed this.  Well done!

The spawn of Enola Gay was horrid even though it literally saved hundreds of thousands of American lives.  The way you have captured it in verse is nothing less than masterful.

Write on.

Live for love. Without love, you don't live.


kaile
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146
singapore
17 posted 2003-02-22 11:30 AM


Panne,
hey, now i know this is supposed to be a mushroom cloud and also some trivia behind its formation..cool..

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