When you Know [repost #9] - pipTalk Forums

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Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

0 posted 2001-03-23 11:57 AM

When You Know

I heard it
as soft it came
sounds of rain
streaked windowpane

and I knew

song of devotion
smooth love’s potion
waves of emotion
as soft it came

and he knew

then the touch
said too much
reality and such
‘twas in that touch

so we knew

never a step
without you dear
never know fear
always sincere

it’d be us two

in the rain of emotion’s touch

3 August 2000
©Karilea Rilling Jungel

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2001-03-23 12:01 PM

Sunshine~ this is so soft and loving......

SEA

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2001-03-24 03:47 PM

SEA...you only say that because it reflects your heart....thank you little one....

Panne415
Member

since 2001-03-21

Posts 104
San Antonio

3 posted 2001-03-30 01:09 AM

Karilea,
I like the 'refrain' (for want of the right word) ...the "and I knew...he knew etc.
I was all caught up in the emotion of the rain and the love until the end.
Am wondering if this would be softer and yet more powerful if you ended this differently.
For example:

and we knew

never a step
without you dear
never know fear
always sincere

For we knew.  --- or
And we knew.  --- or

Just us two
Forever we knew. --- or

never a step
without you dear
never know fear
forever sincere

Always we knew.

See what I mean?  I think the

it’d be us two

in the rain of emotion’s touch

weakens all that went before.  I hope that helps - it's just a thought - trash it if you feel it doesn't work.  I sometimes overwork/overthink things.  Panne

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

4 posted 2001-03-30 10:37 AM

And in the moment of knowing, miracles suddenly seem accessible. *S* This is lovely, Sunshine!

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

5 posted 2001-03-30 09:18 PM

Panne, you are more than likely quite right, and I thank you for your insightfulness and sharing. I do tend to get caught up with the moment, and my nature is to "share right away" without further introspection as to how others read my poetry....

I will attempt to do a more thorough work in the future...thank you very much...

Suthern....yes, my dear....miracles happen....

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