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Dark Poetry #3
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Reality Check
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Reality Check |
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ForeverPoetic Junior Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 28Streaming down a tranquil sea |
Your my mother and you know whats best for me still im stubborn as can be Im in a fantasy world wondering when Life is going to happen wondering what I will become 3hours have past already I feel like a bum drinking his alcohol and chewing bubble gum seventeen years of my life it has been like this They tell me to grow up but there words just vanish I wake up eat and go places but I never thinkof the empty spaces what if i go deaf what if I go blind would I lose my mind Would I learn then? They say people write poems to see the light But all I feel is the fright As I sit tight I wonder Will I make it through the night? Stars, though unseen on dark nights. Are still there, just hidden away. Twinkling, winking at us, and laughing at our dismay |
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| © Copyright 2003 James - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cuda04 Junior Member
since 2003-09-03
Posts 46Wisconsin,USA |
You have to check you spelling. Also, it never helps a poem, in my opinion by writing about poetry within it...I believe the last stanza, kinda throws the flow off. Always look forward, never look back, dreams are much more refreshing than regrets. |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
I like some of the ideas in this, but... you do need to check your spelling and some of the flow is interrupted by the jerky metre. For instance: You're my mother and you know whats best for me still I'm stubborn as I could ever be I'm in fantasy world wondering when that life promised, is going to happen wondering what I will become 3hours have past, I feel like a bum drinking his alcohol and chewing bubble gum( did you put this in just for the rhyme? It doesn't work if you are three hours old, it doesn't say if you mean a different time frame) seventeen years of my life it has been like this They tell me to grow up but their words just vanish I wake up eat and go places but I never think of the empty spaces what if I go deaf what if I go blind would I lose my mind Would I learn then? (I love this stanza but I think it should be the feature, not lost in the middle) They say people write poems to see the light But all I feel is the fright As I sit tight I wonder Will I make it through the night?(Ilike the question but it comes too late to help the poem) I would have written the poem something like this, but remember I struggle like you and I too put my pants on one leg at a time. Will I make it through the night? wondering what I'll become because all I feel is fright alcohol drunk and chewing gum They tell me "grow up" with words that vanish and still, I wake up, eat and go places seventeen years of my life - all like this and I won't think of the empty spaces What if I go deaf? What if I go blind? Would I lose my mind? Would I learn then? I hope you don't mind the critique,it feels like you want to learn. If you are offended please email me and I will remove my comments. Cheers Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
James, yes to all above and you will be just fine. I remember feeling quite like this many times myself Keep writing xxoo |
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ForeverPoetic Junior Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 28Streaming down a tranquil sea |
Thanks for all the help...sorry for the spelling...i was in a weird mood i just wanted to write without making spelling corrections. I dont usually write like this all the time Stars, though unseen on dark nights. Are still there, just hidden away. Twinkling, winking at us, and laughing at our dismay |
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