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laurie
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 153
canada, ontario

0 posted 2003-06-16 11:52 PM

Dark and damp,
hints of death drip,
remorse as tears
dripping off death spears.
Cave walls glow incandescantly,
a blaze of formless colors without reason.
Spears sitting on the wall,
hung by the manners' of death's persuits;
we were killed by ones like us,
no reason or rhyme,
death beyond understanding.
These spears of pain were our release
from this earthly realm,
so painful as it was
without imagination's comprehension,
as we screamed and lost our heads,
but your mind could not picture our horror,
as we watched in stunned terror,
as death spears manned by those like us
peirced our hearts,
killing slowly despite death blows;
blood dripping, remorse as tears,
we watch, still alive,
as our killers hang their tropies,
our hands, on incandescant red walls,
beside taunting methods of death,
death spears peircing heart's blood.
Dead, the manners of death's spears
watch in terror, s we, their victims,
come with fear in our wakes;
murder so vicious,
we will have our revenge,
hearing the silent unending screams
of our victims dying pain.

l think this one got a little confused, but the idea itself is there.. l think.
it's the wording itself that needs help, so if you have any suggestions, opinions are wanted, and appreciated, and enjoyed. yeah.
laurie.

Eddie
New Member

since 2003-06-09

Posts 8

1 posted 2003-06-17 02:38 PM

Ok. Love it.
VERY DARK.

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

2 posted 2003-06-19 08:37 PM

A bump back to the top and a thanks.

Please check your e-mail.

Ethel...garysgirl/Moderator...Passions in Poetry

laurie
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 153
canada, ontario

3 posted 2003-06-19 08:47 PM

already did... thanx.

laurie.

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

4 posted 2003-06-19 10:11 PM

You're welcome...

Ethel

mysticpoe
Senior Member

since 2003-02-28

Posts 883

5 posted 2003-06-20 11:13 AM

The haunting submissions acquired by death. How many ways, how cruel it can be. This place, our cave, this life we see. Sorry laurie for cutting in. But your write inspired me. Outstanding, enjoyed.

mysticpoe

If nothing is something
then everything is
our thoughts and feelings
and all that exists.

laurie
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 153
canada, ontario

6 posted 2003-06-20 11:16 AM

don't be sorry... it was just a run on thank you, thats all... don't worry about it.
l'd rather know what you think anyway, cause l value your opinion...
thanx, mystic.
laurie.

poet25
Junior Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 18
PE, Canada

7 posted 2003-06-20 11:40 AM

I loved the poem as you said it did get confusing, but only if the reader was not paying attention, but I must say that it showed the never ending cycle of pain quite well.

laurie
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 153
canada, ontario

8 posted 2003-06-20 02:44 PM

thanx...
l'm glad you liked it, and the never ending cycle, as you called it, is pretty much what l was trying to convey, alonw with the human refusal to let things go - revenge, after all, is one of things we're so fond of.
did that make any sense?
laurie.

JenniX
Junior Member

since 2003-06-05

Posts 29

9 posted 2003-06-20 02:59 PM

I loved it.
Its dark and very hookful. It was good.
JenniX

IntoTheFlames
Member

since 2003-06-21

Posts 92
Va, USA

10 posted 2003-06-21 01:10 AM

I truely enjoyed your poem.

laurie
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 153
canada, ontario

11 posted 2003-06-21 10:33 AM

thanx, flame. glad you did...
it caused quite a bit of fuss when l first put it up though...
laurie.

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