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Dark Poetry #3
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The Storm
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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The Storm |
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a_hollowman Junior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 30Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada |
I am in... A violent climate in Heaven rages A storm not seen throughout many ages In this paradise once so pure and belovèd Now only a barren land full of dread This realm, once so clean, now pallid and gray Just a monument now to beauty's decay This is sadness as you are not wont to see this damnèd grace of what used to be No more miracles, no more light Only blackness to radiate in eternal night Our hope is gone, we are all astray It is devastation to all on this woeful day No time left to any to repent or to pray No sin to be cleansed, no martyr to slay A sadness so impossible that Heaven could crumble Demanding forgiveness is impure and not humble As we spiral into a turbulent storm Lost, stuck and unimaginably forlorn As our poor falling star fades so closes its door Bright caressing light our haven no more Madness is mankind's pain and its core [This message has been edited by a_hollowman (06-06-2003 03:55 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Stephen C.J. Lipic - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jaysh Member
since 2003-04-16
Posts 133IL, USA |
i liked it, i like the technique, good job! |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
You were right about this one being among your best, Stephen. Of all I've read from you I honestly think this one is the most creative, with the best use of language and concept... the neat little lightning bolt thingie just makes it all the more impressive. I like the flow. I keep telling you you have GOT to get into meter, because you'd really rock with it, and this poem is evidence of that... there's even a slight hint of natural rhythm that helps it skip along but in a few places it could really use a more accurate measurement... Altogether it seems like the rhyme and the format cornered you and left you up to your own device, as formatting is prone to do... which is a very good thing, it helped you stay fresh and unique in both what you said and your way of saying it. My favourite part is the ending... the last few lines are so conclusive and absolutely perfect. Most impressive... Brian Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world. |
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Forgotenandgone Member
since 2003-05-07
Posts 52NC |
That is really neat...I really like how you do the lighting bolt... _______________________________________ |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
great metaphores and imagery, this is a really good write, and done well too...i like... |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi Hollowman, this was a great poem! I absolutely LOVE the lightning bolt effect you incorporated through the poem, that was truly creative! Excellent job, I look forward to reading more of your work  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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IntoTheFlames Member
since 2003-06-21
Posts 92Va, USA |
I really enjoyed your poem. In my personal opinion it captures a lot of the emotions we feel about the many rather disturbing occurances of late. I also love the way you did the lightning bolt. You did an incredible job! |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Like the lightening bolt, acrostic effect. Great write expressing what so many are feeling and cannot verbalize. You said it well! Shenachie |
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Tiersdin Member Elite
since 2000-11-17
Posts 2364east coast |
Cleverly written... ~Tier |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Stephen: I loved this and yes agree totally with Brian on this Everything flowed beautifully and the form is quite creative . . . you would be a natural at meter . . . xxoo |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
different, but i like, nice... |
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WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
I really love this poem! It flows just right. I love the line, "Just a monument now to beauty's decay." Excellent! WinterWren |
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