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Dark Poetry #3
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lost in wanderland
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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lost in wanderland |
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brianm Junior Member
since 2002-11-22
Posts 16Colorado |
I would like to know what you think of the poem. I would also like help improving upon it. Thanks in advance for all of your help. Brian Lost in Wanderland My feet are invisible, and I don't recognize the signs. My legs are moving, but I am not controlling them. Their feet are there to trip me, and I have no hands to catch myself. I don't know where I am going... My mind is racing, but I find it hard to rationalize. My chest is tight, and I am fighting for breath. The faces are all familiar, but no one sees me dying. I don't know where I want to be... Tears well up in my eyes, but they are trapped behind my stare. Anger builds in my chest, and I am unable to scream. My past haunts me, and they continue to taunt me. [This message has been edited by brianm (06-06-2003 11:52 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 brian falls - All Rights Reserved | |||
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laurie Member
since 2003-05-28
Posts 153canada, ontario |
l like, and know exactly how you feel. the only thing l'd change is dropping the last line... lm not sure what you'd put there, less you left it blank, but... maybe even changing the structure of that one, butkeeping hte meaning... anyway, l don't actually know much about poetry, so l can't offer advice, but thats what ld do... good work, and keep writing. laurie. ps.. welcome to passions! |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Ok...let me see. The first thing I noticed is the their in the line Their feet are there to trip me, Who are they? Where did they come from? You could write it this way to avoid having to bring more characters into the poem. There are feet to trip me, or There are feet there to trip me, I also feel that the last line is unnecessary. It takes away from the poem and feels like it was added just to finish the piece off. You don't need anything to finish this off. Poetry doesn't have to have the feel of being finished but if you want to, I would add something different to the end. Marilyn. |
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brianm Junior Member
since 2002-11-22
Posts 16Colorado |
Marilyn, the group that I 'brought in' was always there. Read the poem again... "Their feet are there to trip me, and I have no hands to catch myself." "The faces are all familiar, but no one sees me dying." "My past haunts me, and they continue to taunt me." I agree about the last line. I will omit it. Thanks for the input. I really appreciate it. |
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