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Yitzy
Junior Member
since 2003-05-12
Posts 30


0 posted 2003-05-12 09:27 PM


Hello everyone. This is my first time posting on this site. I have recently taken a keen interest in writing poetry and have a very limited scope of fundamentals at my fingertips. I am learning a day at a time.

This poem is in Cinquain form. For those who may not know the characteristics of a cinquain, it is a five line poem. with 2,4,6,8,2 syllables respectively.


Time Shreds

Blowing
Herb through my lungs
Mind swirls, colors swarm, time
Shreds, feel hopeless as THC still
Lingers



© Copyright 2003 Yitzy - All Rights Reserved
Xeonox
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764
CA, USA
1 posted 2003-05-13 01:10 AM


Interesting write. I do not know if your write feels quite at home in Dark Poetry.

:-)


teenpoet
Member
since 2001-10-17
Posts 280
Michigan
2 posted 2003-05-14 02:29 PM


It is an intresting poem, although I don't necessarily get it.  Welcome to Passions.  I hope you like it here.

I don't know if today is a good day, or if yesterday was, or if tomorrow will be, but I'd like to think so.

qtpieelmo
Senior Member
since 2000-07-04
Posts 989
Sesame Street :) hee hee ,NY
3 posted 2003-05-17 07:21 PM


}{ey!! I like this, I do understand it, only 'cause I've been there--Your 2nd last line actually has 9 syllables instead of 8, but who am I to talk I rarely follow the rules!!


ELMO


"No man is EVER worth my tears, and the one who is, will never make me cry!"

[This message has been edited by qtpieelmo (05-17-2003 07:23 PM).]

Yitzy
Junior Member
since 2003-05-12
Posts 30

4 posted 2003-05-18 02:32 AM


Thank you all for your input. I rennovated the poem, there are a lot of weak aspects in the content. So here is the new version.

Time Shreds

Smoke swirls,
Teases my mind
A waltzing friend. Waking
To minor chords. Cut class, downcast
Time shreds.

stupefied
Junior Member
since 2003-04-26
Posts 12
dead america
5 posted 2003-05-18 10:40 PM


welcome to passions. i'm not sure i quite understand what this is about though...

"sticks and stones are hard on bones aimed with angry art...words can sting like anything but silence...SILENCE BREAKS THE HEART..."

Yitzy
Junior Member
since 2003-05-12
Posts 30

6 posted 2003-05-19 12:06 PM


The theme of the Cinquain is the temporary pleasures followed by the downsides to getting high off weed. "A waltzing friend refers to my mind." In the past people tended to go to waltzes and dance to take their mind away from troubles. In effect I am personifying my mind and thats what it is analogous to. Or you can say that I observe a friend who is in a daze like trance and waltzes around. Anyway you want to take it is good. The next day comes the crash. Float through the day unmotivated, don't care, Time shreds. Drugs are at the very least a waste of precious time.
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