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esclandre
Member
since 2001-06-11
Posts 62
Northern California

0 posted 2002-10-23 04:55 AM



Spun Again
©2002 Esclandre Allain


I cast silence
into a well of defiance:
bristling,
whistling,
humming a tune
in tune with the hum
of a silver dollar
as it spins on the tabletop,
begging for release
on the flip-flop
of your shadow…
smothering mine
in chattering lines
of another
sleepless
night.

Je le Rêve, je Pleure
I dream, I cry

© Copyright 2002 Esclandre Allain - All Rights Reserved
majnu
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088
SF Bay Area
1 posted 2002-10-23 08:27 PM


i dislike such short lines. you do not earn at all the implied profoundness of a single word alone on a line.

that said the poem is good read aloud. the image of a coin spinning, wanting to stop, and the alternating shadows it casts is great.

esclandre
Member
since 2001-06-11
Posts 62
Northern California
2 posted 2002-10-25 09:27 PM


Thank you for reading manju. Everyone has their own taste and I appreciate your opinion. I utilized the short lines hoping to accentuate the clipped motions one sees in someone on methamphetamines.

esclandre

Chameleon
Member
since 2002-08-07
Posts 99
Australia
3 posted 2002-10-29 02:30 AM


this is good.
i like, cause the movement definately attracts the attention.

Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
4 posted 2002-10-30 05:23 AM


I absolutely loved how this flowed down the page without missing a beat of thought!  The way you captured the defiance in this poem was excellent.  Read Serenity in Open sometime you have a very similar style to hers.  I enjoy it when a poem says this much in so few words, great job!

       
A smile costs nothing but makes someone rich.

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