»
Archives
»
Dark Poetry #3
»
Twisted
| Dark Poetry #3 |
|
Twisted |
|
|
Succubus Member
since 2002-09-30
Posts 82Canada, Ontario |
The sunshine I felt upon me brought me no warmth therefor I wish the sun turns black and cold Those who were supposed to love me gave me no serenity So the next time I think of them I shall think of them with hatred The birds that sang by my window each morning tortured me with their songs So I shall poison that which they eat and make musical instruments with their bones The waters that were supposed to wash away my sins did no such thing So the next time I step in it, I shall corrupt it with all my guilt Contrary of all my wishes I lived an unhappy and cruel life Now I look forward to having a worry-free, peaceful, happy death |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Andy Salvador - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
Interesting. Though, I could speak for hours on the happiness and peace of death. But I won't. Nice work. |
||
|
Amaranthine Member
since 2002-10-06
Posts 61ON Canada |
We know how you feel, my dear, me and my box of razor blades; especially about the birds. Still, what makes you think that death could be peaceful and happy, after a miserable and cruel life? It is only like the putrid icing on a rotten cake. |
||
|
G. A. Webb Member
since 2000-01-21
Posts 441Stanton, California, USA |
It's a sad state of the world these days when kindness and caring are rewarded with betrail, burtality and isolation. It's been said that "nice guys/gals finish last" and I've found that to be very true. Only cruelty and selfabsorbtion are rewarded with love, which truely sickens me to no end. So I can relate to the thought that death might hold something better, as in another life. But I can assure you that in my next life I won't be so nice. It's just not worth it, for no one cares for that sort of thing. It truely is a sad state of the world these days.  G Regret not that which you have done, |
||
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Good poems evoke emotion. This one made me want to say, "but what of rising above?" Well done.  JThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
||
|
esclandre Member
since 2001-06-11
Posts 62Northern California |
A dark bit of bitterness here. I hope you don't feel like this all the time. Esclandre |
||
|
Succubus Member
since 2002-09-30
Posts 82Canada, Ontario |
... some of you must remember that just because I write of unhappiness, depression or even suicide does not mean that I am unhappy, or depressed or am planing my own death... my characters do not reflect how I feel. I often put myself in others shoes before writing a piece. Thanx for taking the time to write guys. Kisses, Succubus Some say it's better to have 10% of something than a 100% of nothing... |
||
majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
i felt the poem was flat. i got no emotion at all. the line structure was prosaic and didactic. i sounded like a boring teacher reading a boring lesson. you might try shortening the lines and using puncuation and inversion of grammar to give it some twists. try screwing up the rythm to shake up the reader. maybe insert and odd rhyming sequence to mirror the disquiet of the character. |
||
|
D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
Ahh...nothing like feeling bitter towards everybody/else/thing. What greater pleasure could exist! Okay, so I'm being sarcastic. Seriously, though: I enjoyed the bitter taste of this bit. Death is the sweetest thing a miserable person could have. At least that's how I see it... "Am assured,receptive,responsive women of substance. My sense of self comes not from other people but from myself? That can't be right." Bridget Jones |
||
Moonlight Romeo
since 2001-09-10
Posts 982The heart of you |
The twisting of life. (You might want to look at the second line here.) Thank you. What light through yon window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. |
||
|
joey New Member
since 2002-10-28
Posts 3 |
a very good piece i especially enjoyed the songs from the birds and the sweet death very good. and to the people that say "i hope you dont feel like this all the time" a writting like this does not reflect how one feels all the time but rather an exageration of the depression you can feel, my poetry has the same style and you defended it very well. very good job i look forward to hearing more of your work, i would love to trade peotry. joey "love is the death of our hearts" |
||
|
Succubus Member
since 2002-09-30
Posts 82Canada, Ontario |
Thank You Joey, and Thanx to all of you too. Kisses, Succubus Some say it's better to have 10% of something than a 100% of nothing... |
||
|
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
The poem loses interest with itself in the end, and looks for an easy out. But the rest held me captive, dearly. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
