navwin » Archives » Dark Poetry #3 » IDi4LuvzIm-eg
Dark Poetry #3
Post A Reply Post New Topic IDi4LuvzIm-eg Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Amaranthine
Member
since 2002-10-06
Posts 61
ON Canada

0 posted 2002-10-12 02:42 AM



Alone I rot
Alone I burn
alone I scream as seasons turn
Alone I beg
Alone I moan
and writhe to
own
even
1
of
your
gnawed
bones

Moan and turn
within my arms
chained inside
tonites bounds
still
I know
when morning
cums
away again
your favor
bounds

Wreck me
Kill me
roast me
  BURN
And still
.
to hope
of
.
Love
.
I
.
turn
.
.
.

© Copyright 2002 Brian Jones - All Rights Reserved
PoeticGoddessOfDepression
Member
since 2002-07-02
Posts 439
I am everywhere
1 posted 2002-10-12 10:13 AM


I enjoyed this.

Somewhat demented, but it holds much value.
The style in which you write, is one I've never read before.
(not that all poetry is the same..)
Expect me to be reading more of you.

"Drink the bleach as if it were water"

Succubus
Member
since 2002-09-30
Posts 82
Canada, Ontario
2 posted 2002-10-12 11:23 AM


Well... another piece to add to my private library...
Beautifuly done, something we can all relate to... well, some of us...
Now where did I leave that darn bone again???????
Succubus

Better to have 10% of something than a 100% of nothing.

Amaranthine
Member
since 2002-10-06
Posts 61
ON Canada
3 posted 2002-10-12 12:18 PM


Thanks to you both.  I have also enjoyed what I have read of you!  Oh and Goddess... 'somewhat' demented?  And there I was sure I was all the way there!  
Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
4 posted 2002-10-12 06:40 PM


I liked the poem. It was written nicely. Hope to read more from you.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

cherish
Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........
5 posted 2002-11-01 02:42 AM


Oh definately one of the "demented
ones ...*chuckles*

No, I thought that this one turned out petty well. The only thing I thought you could have done with this is forget the repetition and place the verbs on their own like you did with the rest of the words, but with varied positions.

Eg:
"Alone I rot
burn
     scream as seasons turn
beg
  moan
and writhe to
own
even
1
of
your
gnawed
bones"


Loved the way you wrote this, including the ending. Well done

Are you scared?                            BOO! Are you now?

fractal007
Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958

6 posted 2002-11-01 09:50 PM


I love your "gothy" style of writing.  I especially loved the rather freakish feeling of the lines

Moan and turn
within my arms


Your ending was well done.  You might have spelled come properly though, unless you are trying to make some point that escapes me through its current spelling as "cum".  Also you started off with a nice sounding rhythm, almost a chant.  You strayed from this.  Perhaps it was your intention to do so, but for me it did less justice to your otherwise will written poem.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Dark Poetry #3 » IDi4LuvzIm-eg

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary