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Dark Poetry #3
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"Melancholy tears"
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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"Melancholy tears" |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
She looks about Eyes wandering slow Melancholy tears From them flow Long blonde hair Embraces her face Gentle winds pull At soft white lace Elegant and thin Beauty so plain She gingerly travels Without refrain Curious eyes pause As she finally sees One she looked for The one in her dreams Clutching her breast He leaves his "task" Slowly touching her face Exposing Death's mask ---------------------------------------------------- As always, I remain undecided as to this piece, so I would greatly appreciate some advice...especially criticism (constructive, anyway). Thanks!! Zai jian. "Am assured,receptive,responsive women of substance. My sense of self comes not from other people but from myself? That can't be right." Bridget Jones |
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| © Copyright 2002 Carson - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
It is an interesting piece. Is it his task to give her the kiss of death? It seems that is what she wants. I saw her as frail and pale, and ready to transition to another realm. |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
That's what I was afraid of...She is Death, and he is her next victim. Sorry about that. I'll re-word it. Thanks! Errr...rather...cannot seem to find a way to re-word it, so if anybody has suggestions... "Am assured,receptive,responsive women of substance. My sense of self comes not from other people but from myself? That can't be right." Bridget Jones [This message has been edited by D edgar Grey (10-05-2002 09:09 PM).] |
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PoeticGoddessOfDepression Member
since 2002-07-02
Posts 439I am everywhere |
Yea.. girls are evil and deadly. But this is a true work of art. It caught me at the end.. you always do that. I never expect the last line- and I love that. Keep writing... ~Sara "things have changed you've become a complication |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
Yeah, I wanted to try and have a surprise ending, so I'm glad it worked! Thanks! #^_^# (Girls aren't evil...they're just smarter than men, that's all!!) "Am assured,receptive,responsive women of substance. My sense of self comes not from other people but from myself? That can't be right." Bridget Jones |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
HAHA, we are not evil, just clever. But seriously? Leave it as it is, or change it, either way I enjoyed the read. So, SHE is the giver rather than the receiver. Nasty sneaky little thing, isn't she? |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
i liked this very much, made me think, but maybe need to reword the last bit, i think it works they way it is, but it might also work another way...eor |
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Succubus Member
since 2002-09-30
Posts 82Canada, Ontario |
Great work. I love your stuff. This piece was like one of those films where you only find out who the killer is at the very end. Creepy is good. Lator |
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Amaranthine Member
since 2002-10-06
Posts 61ON Canada |
Very interesting and enjoyable poem... however, I am curious as to what you meant by '... gingerly, without refrain'-? It seems something of an oxymoron. |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
Hmmm...it sounds like an oxymoron, but it's not quite. She (Death) moves on without stopping, but goes about very quietly and with caution...actually, that still sounds like an oxymoron!! AHHH!!! I still think it works...maybe... "Am assured,receptive,responsive women of substance. My sense of self comes not from other people but from myself? That can't be right." Bridget Jones |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Edgar, You're getting better and better. I love the soft, subtle word choices you have laid out for us. Like you said, just edit it so the action is obvious. And I'd add a few more stanzas before the finale. It's so, well, FINAL. I want to drink in the ethereal grace a bit. That's probably just me, though.  BrownBruisedMike |
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