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bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

0 posted 2002-09-24 07:11 PM

Your eyes are breadcrusts;
two stones; a trail
for birds to peck; backwards
paths; Why?; the
early hours; moment of
capture; relapse; light;
vortex edge; tracing.

Sketched a road.

Anvrill
Senior Member

since 2002-06-21

Posts 710
in the interzone now

1 posted 2002-09-24 07:41 PM

I remember when you told me that the semicolon had become my new comma.

*kiss*

If even you understand that anymore.

Proud to have inspired such a work.

your tongue's like poison
so swollen it fills up my mouth

rs

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

2 posted 2002-09-24 11:22 PM

I like your terse descriptions here. Your single words are almost like images in a disjointed flashback. The last line almost sounds like something in a haiku poem.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Zall
Member

since 2002-08-25

Posts 214
London, England

3 posted 2002-09-25 03:38 AM

Great work mike,

Made me think,

Zall

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

4 posted 2002-09-25 02:37 PM

Thanks, everyone.

I didn't do commas, baby, simply 'cause they weren't assertive enough on the page. This is basically a string of words that build up and add to a whole (or an unwhole), and so, they really need setting off.

f7, Thanks. I wanted to space the words so that you could read each one separately, set off by semicolons, or as a sort of disjointed sentence, line by line.

Zall, Thanks, man.

Amaranthine
Member

since 2002-10-06

Posts 61
ON Canada

5 posted 2002-10-12 03:41 AM

As I retrogress into your older works I grow more intimate with you
than you could hope to be with me (as yet)

perhaps you read this
perhaps not
but still my words they spiral
into Your dark

..and my Own grows
..parasitic to your rose

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

6 posted 2002-10-12 08:33 AM

Ok the title pulled me - this title ROCKS...

and the whole breadcrust thing - rocks...

the poem - rocks...

but the semis? Noooonononononononono - not assertive, distracting. Not strong, cluttering...

please rethink..please...~beg~

rotf

K

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

7 posted 2002-10-12 01:32 PM

Thanks, Am!

Severn, do you want me to go Dickinson on ye?

Your eyes are breadcrusts --
Two Stones -- a trail
for birds to peck -- Backwards

paths -- Why? -- the
early hours -- Moment of

capture -- relapse.
Light.

Vortex edge --
tracing.

Sketched a Road.

Hm... That IS better!

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

8 posted 2002-10-13 02:57 AM

Yes it is ROTFLMAO!!!!

Too funny...go dickenson by all means..just don't do the my-keyboard-got-stuck-on-the-semi thing..

K

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

9 posted 2002-10-14 02:41 PM

Awright.

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