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Silent_nights
New Member

since 2002-09-16

Posts 6
Dreamland,WI

0 posted 2002-09-17 04:55 PM

Hey, this is my first time here.. I was wondering if you guys and gals could give me some advice or even some insite on writing better poems. May you read this one poem I wrote few days ago in school and please tell me wht u think. Thanks
As Days Go By

As days go by
One by one,
Crying each day as they come.
Wondering if I should live or die.
Trying to figure out if my life is a lie.

Looking in the mirror
As days go by
Seeing the sadness of my heart that dies.

Seeking the help
I need to servive
Nothing seems to help
So must U die?..

Thanks so much everyone....

arthur
Senior Member

since 2001-08-14

Posts 678
england

1 posted 2002-09-17 04:59 PM

my advice would be structure
but then that is my way of doing things
to me a poem should be a whole rather than a series of lines of different lengths and sound sigantures
but then
what the hell do I know
arthur

arthur
Senior Member

since 2001-08-14

Posts 678
england

2 posted 2002-09-17 05:00 PM

i get worse
fprgot to say
WELCOME
arthur

D edgar Grey
Member

since 2002-08-21

Posts 174
Hell...(aka Wisconsin)

3 posted 2002-09-17 07:15 PM

I would have to concur with arthur...the lines are all of different lengths, which at first would give the impression of joltiness (yeah, that's not a word, I know). However, that's one of the nicest things about writing: No standards to live up to!

Otherwise, I liked this piece. It's emotional yet reserved in a way. For editing advice--which I'm borrowing from bsquirrel who edited one of my bits--there's a few additional words. (Ex.: "Seeing the sadness of my heart that dies"). Like I said, though: No bloody standards!

Very nice...can't wait to see some more!! Oh, and like arthur said, welcome!

"cherry blossoms"

Floating to the ground
Light pink in your soft colour
End my memories

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

4 posted 2002-09-19 12:02 PM

First of all, WELCOME to the Dark, Silent_nights. And by extension, welcome to PIP.

The only thing I'd fix? The very last line. I don't know where it comes from, what it means.

Mike

Moon Dust

Member Elite

since 1999-06-11

Posts 2177
Skelmersdale, UK

5 posted 2002-09-19 05:04 PM

I like this very much actully and I would like to welcome u

If your afraid of the dark, then why did you come?

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