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Dark Poetry #3
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Laughter in the Din
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Laughter in the Din |
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idrift2u Member
since 2002-07-09
Posts 60MD., USA |
((An old one, and I am taking suggestions on how to end this one better, never liked the ending...)) Laughter in the Din The after bedtime light glows, Along the stair rails the worries slide. Empty filled corners are felt, The wood is smooth instilling time. Safety is within unknown distance, By the measured we are exposed. Black glass and the door it surrounds, Face to face and will never know. A drips ripple greets you eye level, Bathtub faucets deform your smile. Welcomed mirrors lie to your aging, A lengthy dash starts the freezing. Now lay the theater head down, The pupils dilate and covered. Listening for a slipping in visitor, Curtains rise to cast your visions. [This message has been edited by idrift2u (07-16-2002 12:46 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 m.wiktor - All Rights Reserved | |||
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brian sites Senior Member
since 2002-06-25
Posts 1475usa |
the very last line seems a bit awkward to me especially after "the curtains rise.." i like the whole thing and i get a meaning from it but the last line seems to need reworking to me BS. I never aimed at reality; I aimed at truth. --Orson Welles |
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idrift2u Member
since 2002-07-09
Posts 60MD., USA |
Your right, it throws everything off balance.... I think I'll just rewrite the whole thing..... Thanks |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
I don't think you need a complete rewrite. The last line is the only problem, maybe approach it from another angle. ( further thought on the visitor?) otherwise, it's too nice to scrap ~wranx I have great faith in Humanity...It's just most of the Humans, I'm not too keen on. E.F.Rose |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
I liked it fine th' way it is. One Voice of Many She said burn ... together. |
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