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idrift2u
Member

since 2002-07-09

Posts 60
MD., USA

0 posted 2002-07-14 11:55 PM

The Drive Home:

Out of anywhere
can come anything.
Step out of skin,
one step towards sin.

Out of everywhere
will come something
Suit up in someone's skin,
two steps towards sin.

"I feel it over there...,
numbness where?"
Soul pretending skin,
three steps towards sin.

Your fantasy is through there,
"travel beyond where?"
Step out of skin,
no steps towards sin.

...... i m c o u n t i n g o n i t............

Anvrill
Senior Member

since 2002-06-21

Posts 710
in the interzone now

1 posted 2002-07-15 12:00 PM

My drives home are never that interesting.

Well, considering I take the bus... I hope they wouldn't be.

Cool read.

written in blood before everything went black

JCV

idrift2u
Member

since 2002-07-09

Posts 60
MD., USA

2 posted 2002-07-15 12:04 PM

Thank you for the "good read,"
is there anything you noticed that you did not like, just even a little, when you read it?

Like flow? Rhythm, rhyme, content, word choice...?

Just curious...

Thanks

brian sites
Senior Member

since 2002-06-25

Posts 1475
usa

3 posted 2002-07-15 12:23 PM

drift
maybe posting in critical analysis
will give you more what you are looking for
liked the poem btw

BS.

I never aimed at reality; I aimed at truth. --Orson Welles

idrift2u
Member

since 2002-07-09

Posts 60
MD., USA

4 posted 2002-07-15 12:24 PM

By the way, I ran over a cat late one night, felt the "pop" under my tires and everything...

I usually not that much of a "sissy," but I felt so bad I had to write something....

idrift2u
Member

since 2002-07-09

Posts 60
MD., USA

5 posted 2002-07-15 12:27 PM

I disagree BS

Lets save it for the kitchen

I still love your sweet heart

hugs

Thanks

idrift2u
Member

since 2002-07-09

Posts 60
MD., USA

6 posted 2002-07-15 12:33 PM

Main Entry: 1cri·tique
Pronunciation: kr&-'tEk, kri-
Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of 2critic
Date: 1702
: an act of criticizing; especially : a critical estimate or discussion

Main Entry: 2critique
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): cri·tiqued; cri·tiqu·ing
Date: 1751
: REVIEW, CRITICIZE

wranx
Member Elite

since 2002-06-07

Posts 3689
Moved from a shack to a barn

7 posted 2002-07-15 12:35 PM

Flow? - check!
rhythm? - check!
rhyme? - check!

Nothing wrong here, not with me anyway.

A very creative way to portray a bump in the road. (I hate it when that happens)

"Writing is a perfectly natural thing to do...provided it's done in private and you wash your hands afterward"....Heinlein.

idrift2u
Member

since 2002-07-09

Posts 60
MD., USA

8 posted 2002-07-15 12:39 PM

Kool , kanks, wranx

I love you sweetie

thanks

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

9 posted 2002-07-15 06:46 PM

Brian Sites is right, id2u.

You can put the poem out in the poetry forms, and you can always change your critique message to please ask for a critique.

But if you're looking for anything in-depth? Should go to th' critiques forum.

After all, this is the poetry forum, not the discussion forum. So if they wanna talk about it, they can, but if they don't wanna, they don't hafta.

Liked the poem.

Mike

She said burn ... together.
-TON

[This message has been edited by bsquirrel (07-15-2002 06:50 PM).]

idrift2u
Member

since 2002-07-09

Posts 60
MD., USA

10 posted 2002-07-15 07:37 PM

BS is right if I want that, in-depth stuff, but just the critique, and only the critique, mam

[This message has been edited by idrift2u (07-15-2002 07:39 PM).]

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