Dark Poetry #3 |
this is how things happen |
JamesBowie Member
since 2000-11-25
Posts 252big old Bangor Maine up by the shack |
This is how things happen just home cooking dinner my daughter walks in uncomfortably asks where mom is when she already saw her today in the city smoking a cigarette some man too close standing almost inside her but my daughter didn't speak to her or to me now wrapped up in what it meant or could mean to she and I and mom |
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© Copyright 2002 James Bowie - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I would bet that scenario has happened to many, as years ago it even happened in our house, but it was about my Father. Well done on a touchy subject. Imagination is more important that knowledge |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I can't remember what Thumper said...hmm..something about not squashing him cause he's little and cute? I like this. It's nice and matter of fact, and I think it works very well.. one minor minor thing: but my daughter didn't speak to her or to me now wrapped up in what it meant or could mean to she and I and mom I think the middle two lines are too short...I feel that maybe it would be good to make the line lengths fairly uniform, but that's likely just a matter of taste. It can be hard, when doing a freeverse poem that has no punctuation, to create satisfactory lines.. K |
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JamesBowie Member
since 2000-11-25
Posts 252big old Bangor Maine up by the shack |
yeah, I never did say that I could not use some improvement, so don't ever hold back when giving me tips J |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
(only give tips to those with the critique flag checked...you do, so I will...I can't stop myself hahaha ) K |
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JamesBowie Member
since 2000-11-25
Posts 252big old Bangor Maine up by the shack |
thumper said "if you can't say something nice, Don't say anything at all" ya know from the movie Bambi |
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