I would have liked to be there

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Dark Poetry #3

I would have liked to be there

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

0 posted 2002-04-07 04:07 AM

This poem is written as a "dramatic monologue" of a single divorced father to his son.

You're going away,
so now I won't ever
teach you to drive
a car
                            into the ditch[1]
or watch you shave.[2]
life's a
journey
             and then you die.

             You know there's passion
              Involved in making
              These assets[3] we call
children

It's fun[4]

NOTES

1.  The car is being used loosely as a symbol for marriage
2.  Here shaving is being used as a symbol for progress into manhood
3.  Financial assets fought over by divorced parents
4.  Yet another insinuation that the conception of the child was a careless act whose consequences were not properly weighed.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Baroni
Member

since 2001-10-14

Posts 94
Ontario, Canada

1 posted 2002-04-07 07:16 AM

Hey, Fractal, this one's more than a little depressing... fits right in! hope that future experiences are better for you.

Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.
- The Angry Bard me (me)

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

2 posted 2002-04-07 08:10 AM

Interesting...I've noticed your technique for adding notes...at the same time that I like it, I wonder if by explaining your poem you're not running the risk of losing poetic impact...?

Also, why not make the numbers less obvious so they don't distract the reader, ie:

into the ditch 1
or watch you shave. 2

I like this piece though..says a lot...

[This message has been edited by Severn (04-07-2002 08:13 AM).]

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

3 posted 2002-04-07 12:49 PM

An interesting idea. I have considered the possibility of ruining poetic imact myself. How did you manage to do what you did with those numbers?

Oh, hang on. Just read the source and found that you were using a "SMALL" tag. Thanks for the idea.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

[This message has been edited by fractal007 (04-07-2002 12:52 PM).]

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