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Dark Poetry #3
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Sunrise, Sunset.
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Sunrise, Sunset. |
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Baroni Member
since 2001-10-14
Posts 94Ontario, Canada |
Early from my bed I rose, to seek the morning light. To see the clouds in pretty rows, throw back the fearsome night. Those wispy blue and orange clouds, o'erthrew the darkness quick; so I walked the streets before the crowds could gather in their mix. Yet as I watched the colors shift, orange to blue to black, within me change came, sudden, swift, Ther'd be no turning back. This moment, then, would change my life and lay down my new road. I'd leave behind the pain, the strife, and lay down my heavy load. So I stared around me, free at last, my old life left behind. Ther crowd on the streets quickly passed, and I was feeling fine. I turned to head down my new path, but paused once to look back. And as I write this, I must laugh, for I glimpsed my whole life's track. I should have gone, I should have left, continued walking on. But fear had left my mind bereft, I was no longer strong. Familiar things, a familiar face, and I knew that I would stay. Once again, I knew my place, and yet, I hope someday; To travel down the empty street, to new blaces I hadn't been. New things to try, new friends to meet, new realms beyond my ken. So now I watch the sun's descent, As cloud turns into star. And hope that courage, my way be sent, ere I have sunk too far. Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. |
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| © Copyright 2002 John Barron - All Rights Reserved | |||
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Impressive write here. I like the sense of familiarity and at the same time forboding that your poem carries. At the same time, however, some of your endings could be changed. A good example is the place where you chose to rhyme quick and mix. As a suggestion, if you absolutely had to do it this way, perhaps you could have replaced mix with midst. And then, of course, there's that ever so annoying word life. We've all had to wrestle with whether or not to use it and rhyme it with strife or knife or some other member of the limited selection of words that rhyme with it. In the case of this poem, you've done a good job using the familiar rhyme of life and strife. In my own experience I haven't done so well. So, all in all, this was a very good poem. It's definitely one I'll be adding to my library. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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Baroni Member
since 2001-10-14
Posts 94Ontario, Canada |
thanks Fractal. I was uncertain about this one... I wrote it because I was frustrated... I could have changed the direction of my life, but decided to stay in the familiar groove, and I keep wondering what might have happened. I feel like a coward! neways, thanks for the rhyming advice! Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. - The Angry Bard me (me) [This message has been edited by Baroni (04-06-2002 04:59 PM).] |
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Purity Senior Member
since 2001-11-20
Posts 526Once Upon, USA |
Remember, "days are numbers, count the stars, we can only go so far...one day" we'll know where we are. Been there a few times in my life, Baroni. I think sometimes we choose not to go by something inside that we don't always see telling us we've still got more here to do first...who knows? Thought provoking piece. Thanks |
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Baroni Member
since 2001-10-14
Posts 94Ontario, Canada |
thanks for the thoughts, purity. maybe I have more to do here, but I can't help feeling regret that I didn't move on. Anyways, thanks again! |
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