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Dark Poetry #3
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the lemming
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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the lemming |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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This time I cannot forget the lack of you the pain unmet like no other pain before compounded by my unknocked door. Not this time I can't forgive the ice of you I caught in sieve while panning for a trace of gold touch abhorred now sale of soul... I draw my cloak about my neck and lace my boots against the trek no sight set on future path be blind to any future lack. Through the forest, cross the sand, mountains still to understand like the lemming drawn to sea, step by step creeps death of me... |
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| © Copyright 2001 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Well lovey...I find myself liking this very much...it has your usual touch of unbearable melancholy that makes me want to run and hug you. What a shame I'm on the other side of the world eh my friend? I am of course going to crit you...cause I have to yanno... Love the first three lines...BUT - not sure the verse lines over all aren't too short... if you made the lines longer your verses would be shorter that's true... You have some interesting imagery here...nice metaphors... BUT this: on future path be blind to any future lack blech dear. It's blech.  'be blind to'? I dinna like it!!!!!!!!! rotf...A question - why'd you omit all your a's' and the's?? Just curious... So there you go...my lofty opinion...~grin~  KI am a refugee of logic...insisting |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hey K....thanks for geing gentle with me...I thought this one sucked pretty hard, myself. (almost asked to have it deleted, but then I figured I might as well live with my mistakes) But you are a sweetheart for being so kind...and lol...just for the record I DINNA LIKE anything about this one!!!! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! HAHAHA...oh I needed that ~wiping tears~ HUGS you...hey - am I not always gentle??? KI am a refugee of logic...insisting |
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illusion Member
since 2001-06-19
Posts 296 |
I feel strange saying I like a poem the poet didn't like. But I do like it - especially the first verse. I know that unknocked door quite well - it hurts like hell. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you illusion, and hey, what do I know anyway? lol...I think I've just hit a point in my writing where I am boring myself...and I'm dangerous when I'm bored. sigh.... and see all of these ellipses...? I do that...just for Severn......ROFL.... |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
...!!!!!!!... ~splutter~ Sulking K |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
...K?...oh Kay-eee....hmmm....mad at me?...  oh...ya do know I love ya...doncha? ...sigh...okay...i'm sorry... ROFLMAO!!!! |
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