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Dark Poetry #3
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The sound of decay
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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The sound of decay |
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Swamp¤Faeryie Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 393fairyland....of course;) |
Paisely Babylon was my pleasure and merry faeryies trip on their wings. i sit unfurled at my leisure, thinking most unpleasant things. Move and i will stumble,fall and i must rise. There are clouds tangled in the ceiling fan, but i am not suprised. Be silent? We cannot,we can. Cherry on top with the noise of breathing and creak of gears moving and turning. In our head the blood red is seething, buzzing dizzy fevers burning. What are we but fleeting March winds? What are we but many flies- who live and perish on weekends. We are the gullible guised. For we know not what we are, we come,we go in meaningless parade, we think we've come so far in our silly little charade. We are the essence of decay. (i know it need work!! I am VERY open to any suggestions you may have?!*^) much madness is divinest sense,and much sense the starkest madness~Emily Dickinson |
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| © Copyright 2001 Swamp¤Faeryie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DJLI Member
since 2000-06-21
Posts 237TN, USA |
I think this is great, but I don't think I'd be much help in any advice. You've painted a pretty good picture in my mind.  P.L.U.R. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
S - have you thought about going to CA with some of your poems? They give good help over there sometimes...  I don't have much time - but will say just a few things.. I think Paisely in front of Babylon is a bit jarring...I'd just start it with Babylon. I think you have a typo on faerie unless there is a spelling with a 'y' i don't know about? You've got some great lines in here - like the clouds in the ceiling fan...it's good... how about separating up the lines a bit? Instead of having them in one dense run?  KAll obscurity starts with a danger: |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
Ah yes, the obscure existence of self-centered humanity, nothing more than "The Essence of Decay". An interesting and slightly "twisted" (in a good way), picture here, Sammi. I also liked the clouds in the ceiling fan metaphor/imagery. Another good job. Thanks, Billy "The rose, like the cactus flower, protects herself with thorns. We however, impale ourselves on their beauty." |
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Swamp¤Faeryie Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 393fairyland....of course;) |
Thank you djli,severn,and coyote!! Thank you VERY much for your thoughts. Severn- I beleive you are quite right about splitting the lines more,i also feel it is too dense,and thanks for the suggestion to visit ca i hadn't thought of that. As for paisley babylon i like the image it draws up of paisley and swirling walls of a putrid city,lol,i agree it doesn't really fit,but i like it too much to change it,and faeryie,i know that's not how you're supposed to spell it,but i like spelling it that way,it's kind of an eccentricty.  Thank you so much for you good suggestions!!Thank you all very much for your encouragement even though i know i'm no poet,thanks for tolerating my words anyways samantha¤ much madness is divinest sense,and much sense the starkest madness~Emily Dickinson |
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