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Dark Poetry #3
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What It Feels Like...
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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What It Feels Like... |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
Rain, cold and biting storming through the door of my heart and swirling in bitter mists down to my soul. Pitch black, darker than absence, full of terror and regret while remorse creeps in at the corners adding shadows to blindness. Faith, as light pouring through the window, light and a silhoutte of someone just outside not quite out of reach and waiting. Hope, that the rain will end and the door will bar against the storm allowing me to swallow again and to bear my soul. What it feels like to be human, to bear my mistakes, acknowledge my failures and prosper knowing that I am human. *Honest critism appreciated on this one. This came out of no-where and I am interested in what you think, thanks* With the word, I am mighty, with the pen I am free.. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Joann Renee' Muszynski - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ginners Member
since 2000-07-22
Posts 339Mullica Hill, New Jersey |
I dd enjoy this piece very very very much, however, "Hope, that the rain will end and the door will bar against the storm allowing me to swallow again and to bear my soul" I think that you should rework this part, not leave it out, just change a few words, then this would be perfect! great job!  "I'll build a wall if we can keep them on the other side"-NIN |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
i thought this was quite deep and written very well..i liked the poem overall...thanks for sharing...  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
Hi D'Poe, I loved this. I thought the line "adding shadows to darkness" was brilliant. I also agree with Ginners that that section does need some rework to make it smoother but it may only need some punctuation... it is a bit jumbled or rambly - it may just need to be more properly connected Hope, that the rain will end or the door will bar <- or the door etc against the storm, and allow <- me to swallow again and to bare my soul.<--bare not bear I am not sure that helped any except to let you see where help may be needed. And in the verse above, how about deleting one of the "light's" find another word for light and replace one of these with it. Overall, I truly enjoyed this and thought it a heartfelt, true piece on the human condition too many of us deny or refuse to deal with (sorry about ending on a preposition). Hope that helps. Panne [This message has been edited by Panne447 (edited 05-16-2001).] |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
thanks all, for your thoughts. I will rework this and see what I can do to spiff it up. Thanks again for taking the time to read.  With the word, I am mighty, with the pen I am free.. |
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G. A. Webb Member
since 2000-01-21
Posts 441Stanton, California, USA |
I wasn't sure where this was going until the end which I found quite interesting. Just know this, there's no need to question your humanity my friend, for we're all aliens here...hehe...Ya know! Cool read! G Regret not that which you have done, |
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a-alibaster Member
since 2000-01-08
Posts 392 |
Over all I found this write wonderful {spelling errors, but hell I can't spell at all, sooo}...and questioning your humanity....hmmmm, seems a thing that I do well and most of the day...besides....Human...just what is it anyway...I think it be nothing more than a pollite word for insanity... : }~ Until...ali "There is an alter ego which |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Yep.. we all struggle with the positives and the negatives and if you try too hard to grasp some things, you'd go insane!!! Hope and faith are the keys to the doors of happiness.. Also I agree with ginners on reworking that phrase Isis *Enlightenment is within all things* |
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BitterSmoke Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 54 |
-Whats amazing to me is when I see people that never came back from the darkness. You find them alone at the bar, 7:00pm on a tuesday. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Pitch black, darker than absence, full of terror and regret while remorse creeps in at the corners adding shadows to blindness. wonderful verse... ~Wynter "The worst prison would be a closed heart". |
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