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amyX
Junior Member
since 2001-04-02
Posts 32


0 posted 2001-04-29 08:59 PM


presciption(spoken word i'm workin' on)

Prescription
like brown sugar
vigorous, shiver, ounces to quiver

Look
The man perched higher than eagles
wakes to a city without light
taking flight from sinister strife

and yet

Imitation and ominous choice

He chooses
oblivious
He chooses
survival
He chooses
comatose privilege

A man perched on inferior ledges
reflected a fall to ethereal surroundings
Just succulent deformity
injured in fragility
depressed on worth

Dipped, slinging, a moloke sugar
Candy apple exile escaped
Is this mentality intoxicated?
Capitalized such delerium?
Such worth?

and yet

He chooses freedom
doused in dreams and flies
He chooses freedom
crouched in maliscious eyes

Scared everyday
this man so unafraid
A catalyst ascending
abondoned in depth

Death
a requiem? a resonance? a breath?

Rested on superior ledges
A man looks up to believe in evisceration
cleansed

Determination spreads rapidly induced
Introduced dereliction to flight

Injured
fragile
falling to remedy

flowing like brown sugar

The world
High
The world
Survived
The world
in such Worth

A man descended
from his ledge
into the world

the world

this world
without a glimpse
of light

Victims, aren't we all?

© Copyright 2001 amyX - All Rights Reserved
coyote
Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077

1 posted 2001-04-29 09:15 PM


Very intense, AmyX.
I had to read it a few times
as usual. It is great work. Thanks.  

"The rose, like the cactus flower, protects herself with thorns. We however, impale ourselves on their beauty."
coyote

[This message has been edited by coyote (edited 04-30-2001).]

Xeonox
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Senior Member
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764
CA, USA
2 posted 2001-04-30 01:45 AM


unique poem, hard to get to a centeral view point, but unquie. I assume like coyote, I have to read it a few more times to get the meaning behind it.

Ronil (One becomes god only when they have fully understood the role of being a human being.)

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

3 posted 2001-04-30 06:42 AM


Interesting work here - looks like an exploration of words...can you explain the word moloke to me? Haven't come across it before..


a few things...Your first 'prescription' is missing an 'r' and so is the one in the title  

What do you think about adding a colon to 'Look' in the second stanza?

So it becomes:

Look:
The man perched higher than eagles
wakes to a city without light
taking flight from sinister strife

Here:

He chooses
oblivious
He chooses
survival
He chooses
comatose privilege

I wonder if oblivious ought to be 'oblivion'?


'A man perched on inferior ledges
reflected a fall to ethereal surroundings' - I really like these lines.

'crouched in maliscious eyes' - maliscious is spelled malicious.

Are you saying in this line that freedom is crouched in malicious eyes, or the man is?

'Scared everyday
this man so unafraid
A catalyst ascending
abondoned in depth' - abandoned.

Not sure about 'this man so unafraid' - it's a bit awkward...

'Death
a requiem? a resonance? a breath?'

This line is great...

I love the end lines also...how it is all wrapped up...to me it seems like the subject is going through a progression...coming out strong into the end, yet entering into a world without light...it is quite dark really...left me with a quite futile feeling...

but all the same I enjoyed it...

K

All obscurity starts with a danger:
Your dangers are many. I
Cannot look much but your form suffers
Some strange injury
Sylvia Plath

coyote
Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077

4 posted 2001-05-01 10:11 PM


I really love this, Amy.
So, I'm pulling up the thread again.
Haven't decided if your theme is good or bad, but I know it is for me.
Thanks, anyway.  


"The rose, like the cactus flower, protects herself with thorns. We however, impale ourselves on their beauty."
coyote

[This message has been edited by coyote (edited 05-02-2001).]

amyX
Junior Member
since 2001-04-02
Posts 32

5 posted 2001-05-03 01:32 PM


to all: thanks!

the typos are as they are, typos
the subject matter is as it is:

a vision on mankind dying
by his own intoxication

the words are each purposeful
each one I actually tried to place
for the intention of sound and flow

whether they sound or flow is what I presume
I need the help on

I have revised this, and thank you
for all suggestions (I have added a "Look"
in the second stanza, as well as considered
"oblivion"; but "oblivious" is a condition
I intended to describe as the man)

I was too late to edit (24 hour deadline)

thank you Coyote, Severn and Xeonox

Victims, aren't we all?

ilph
Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 78

6 posted 2001-05-05 07:23 AM


hi

i know someone who would like this alot

and so do i

the stuttered flow is wonderfully done

i think this took alot of thought

so thanks.

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