Dark Poetry #3 |
presciption |
amyX Junior Member
since 2001-04-02
Posts 32 |
presciption(spoken word i'm workin' on) Prescription like brown sugar vigorous, shiver, ounces to quiver Look The man perched higher than eagles wakes to a city without light taking flight from sinister strife and yet Imitation and ominous choice He chooses oblivious He chooses survival He chooses comatose privilege A man perched on inferior ledges reflected a fall to ethereal surroundings Just succulent deformity injured in fragility depressed on worth Dipped, slinging, a moloke sugar Candy apple exile escaped Is this mentality intoxicated? Capitalized such delerium? Such worth? and yet He chooses freedom doused in dreams and flies He chooses freedom crouched in maliscious eyes Scared everyday this man so unafraid A catalyst ascending abondoned in depth Death a requiem? a resonance? a breath? Rested on superior ledges A man looks up to believe in evisceration cleansed Determination spreads rapidly induced Introduced dereliction to flight Injured fragile falling to remedy flowing like brown sugar The world High The world Survived The world in such Worth A man descended from his ledge into the world the world this world without a glimpse of light Victims, aren't we all? |
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© Copyright 2001 amyX - All Rights Reserved | |||
coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
Very intense, AmyX. I had to read it a few times as usual. It is great work. Thanks. "The rose, like the cactus flower, protects herself with thorns. We however, impale ourselves on their beauty." coyote [This message has been edited by coyote (edited 04-30-2001).] |
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Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA |
unique poem, hard to get to a centeral view point, but unquie. I assume like coyote, I have to read it a few more times to get the meaning behind it. Ronil (One becomes god only when they have fully understood the role of being a human being.) |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Interesting work here - looks like an exploration of words...can you explain the word moloke to me? Haven't come across it before.. a few things...Your first 'prescription' is missing an 'r' and so is the one in the title What do you think about adding a colon to 'Look' in the second stanza? So it becomes: Look: The man perched higher than eagles wakes to a city without light taking flight from sinister strife Here: He chooses oblivious He chooses survival He chooses comatose privilege I wonder if oblivious ought to be 'oblivion'? 'A man perched on inferior ledges reflected a fall to ethereal surroundings' - I really like these lines. 'crouched in maliscious eyes' - maliscious is spelled malicious. Are you saying in this line that freedom is crouched in malicious eyes, or the man is? 'Scared everyday this man so unafraid A catalyst ascending abondoned in depth' - abandoned. Not sure about 'this man so unafraid' - it's a bit awkward... 'Death a requiem? a resonance? a breath?' This line is great... I love the end lines also...how it is all wrapped up...to me it seems like the subject is going through a progression...coming out strong into the end, yet entering into a world without light...it is quite dark really...left me with a quite futile feeling... but all the same I enjoyed it... K All obscurity starts with a danger: |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
I really love this, Amy. So, I'm pulling up the thread again. Haven't decided if your theme is good or bad, but I know it is for me. Thanks, anyway. "The rose, like the cactus flower, protects herself with thorns. We however, impale ourselves on their beauty." coyote [This message has been edited by coyote (edited 05-02-2001).] |
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amyX Junior Member
since 2001-04-02
Posts 32 |
to all: thanks! the typos are as they are, typos the subject matter is as it is: a vision on mankind dying by his own intoxication the words are each purposeful each one I actually tried to place for the intention of sound and flow whether they sound or flow is what I presume I need the help on I have revised this, and thank you for all suggestions (I have added a "Look" in the second stanza, as well as considered "oblivion"; but "oblivious" is a condition I intended to describe as the man) I was too late to edit (24 hour deadline) thank you Coyote, Severn and Xeonox Victims, aren't we all? |
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ilph Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 78 |
hi i know someone who would like this alot and so do i the stuttered flow is wonderfully done i think this took alot of thought so thanks. |
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