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Dark Poetry #3
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You Paint my Pain, Once Again
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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You Paint my Pain, Once Again |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia 
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You paint my pain You stroke it out It leaves me filled With fear and doubt You think I like The things I do Just try to walk Within my shoes You think that I Will hope to gain Your affection Once more again Attention seek Is what you say, You think I like Being this way You think I cry So you will care Sometimes I die When you're not there You think I seek This pain and guilt Well go your way In this I'm built You paint my pain In hues of red You make me wish That I were dead. Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen. [This message has been edited by Kethry (edited 03-31-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Lynne Dale - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skoota Junior Member
since 2000-12-23
Posts 28Australia |
I love this poem Kethry, it's simply stunning. You're definately one of my favourite writers now. Simon Come to me |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
A great expression of emotions, Kethry. The format was well suited to the choice of topic. The last stanza was great. "In hues of red" really stood out for me. Thanks for the read.  ~AF~ Death is delightful. Death is dawn, the waking from a weary night of fevers unto truth and light. |
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ma miller Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 806 |
hello Kethry ... without constructive critiques we cannot grow and give more of our gifts and i thank you for accepting comments ... You paint my pain You strum it out It leaves me filled With fear and doubt instead of "strum", may i suggest something like "brush" or "stroke"? you start out with "paint" and the followup line pleads to relate to an artistic phrase ... strum says "music" to me ... "You think I like The things I do Just try to walk Inside my shoe" you have an extra space between "try" and "to" ... who cares if "do" and "shoe(s)" aren't exact rhymes? ... i would suggest using "shoes" ... it still rhymes, makes much more sense and doesn't sound forced ... "Do what you wilt" may i suggest just go ahead and use "will" "You paint my pain In hues of red You make me wish That I were dead. " maybe ... "You paint my pain In hues of red You make me wish All else were dead. " the meter sways off a couple of times, but i think you have the makings of a very good piece here ... don't just walk away from it ... i hope you take these comments in the spirit of your invitation to provide them ... thanks. [This message has been edited by ma miller (edited 03-31-2001).] |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Skoota, thanks for the praise and admiration, I appreciate that. anonymousfemale, thanks for the comment, that particular line is my favourite. MA Miller, thanks for the constructive crticism, I have made some of the changes you suggested but I like the last verse the way it is, otherwise it changes the meaning of the poem. be real and feel Kethry Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen. |
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Temptress*Moon Member
since 2001-01-15
Posts 240Long Island, NY |
Kethry... Well written and BOY doi understand this poem well.... Temptress*Moon
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
Kethry, this is the first ive read by you. very intersting. There was power in your words. and a great flow. regina a small cut is only the beggining of a life in pain |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Kethry, This is a beautiful piece, and it really hit home. This one is going right into my library. I love it.. very powerful... wow. --Marie It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Choose your friends carefully and never fall in love all by yourself. An impossible task if I've even seen one...James |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Temptress*Moon, thanks for responding, Sorry you can relate. ina, glad you liked my work,thank you for stopping by. fading away, into your library...Wow, high praise indeed. Thank you James Michael, thanks for the comment, but I have enough trouble falling in love with myself let alone by myself. be well and tell Kethry Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen. |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
geesh...takes my breath away...truth or not, this is powerful. Sorry, but I can relate in some way too. |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Yes, I agree. This is very good. |
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mc Member
since 1999-11-16
Posts 67México |
Very nice and exquisite, True to yourself... I admire that so much in a person. |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Temptress, thanks for your breathtaking response. sorry that it was real to you. mirror man, thank you for your comments. mc thank you so much. do feel and heal Kethry Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen. |
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