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Dark Poetry #3
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Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 197
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.

0 posted 2001-01-11 12:15 PM


I must write for I cannot speak
The blisters prevent me from closing my mouth
My tongue is swollen and raw
Enamel drips from my scorched teeth
The pain is exquisite
One more kiss?


I'm not sure about the title. 'The Thin Line...' between pleasure and pain, and all that. Does it make sense? Suggestions welcome.



Sing while you may
-The Prophet Qa'sepel

Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen
-The Prophet Qa'sepel

© Copyright 2001 Darren Lausa - All Rights Reserved
blackhalo
Member
since 2000-02-15
Posts 467
Denver, CO
1 posted 2001-01-11 12:39 PM


I think it makes perfect sense.  Being the unversed poet i am, I would have called it "kisses from purgatory."  but yours is exquisite.  Great work!
Alicia

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
2 posted 2001-01-11 01:33 PM


Interesting..James
Ginners
Member
since 2000-07-22
Posts 339
Mullica Hill, New Jersey
3 posted 2001-01-11 03:22 PM


The title makes sense when you explain it but if you dont i dont tink it would, i like Alica's suggestions, i have none of my own however.  This poem remind me of a song called kiss me though. i liked it

"I'll build a wall if we can keep them on the other side"---NIN
"There is no always forever, just this"-the cure

Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
4 posted 2001-01-25 06:55 PM


I must say I have read the poem over and over
I'm a little confused, but at the same time curious
I would appreciate a little more explanation
thanks

I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR



Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 197
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.
5 posted 2001-01-26 01:11 AM


Well, I can see that this one needs a little work.
To offer explanation; I am trying to describe the heat of passion that can be conveyed in a kiss. What would intense heat do to the mouth? Would the pain be worth it? I think so.
This was written in anticipation of a first kiss. While the heat was not nearly as intense as I describe, I look forward to further research. I'm glad that I have good dental insurance.


Sing while you may
-The Prophet Qa'sepel

Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen
-The Prophet Qa'sepel

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