How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Teen Poetry #4 Archive
 in the absence of your love
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

in the absence of your love

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
quietlydying
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 06-10-2001
[First Post] 1316
the wonderful land of oz


0 posted 06-10-2001 03:12 AM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for quietlydying

i feel compelled to inform you, before you have a chance to read this, that this is in fact a sonnet, one of my most favoured forms of poetry.

as well, this is NOT about some pitiful little teenage puppy love, it has nothing to do with romance whatsoever.  note i did not say love, i said romance.

And now I feel nothing but a cool breeze,
where conceited love-for-show had it's place.
Dancing out of my life with such great ease,
I surrendered, lacking faith to give chase.
Swallowing many insecurities,
fill the void your absence has left within.
Satiate, in lieu of all the worries,
the anguish leaking through my paper skin.
Panic!  Empty the body, rid the soul.
Gone, that which I have no need for exiled.
Vulnerable, fill the empty hole.
Body of a woman, heart of a child.
I, your creation, lie cracked and broken,
lost on the border of sainthood and sin.

- jen

© Copyright 2001 jennifer elizabeth - All Rights Reserved
holatuwol
Member
since 04-27-2001
Posts 78
California, USA


1 posted 06-10-2001 03:35 AM       View Profile for holatuwol   Email holatuwol   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for holatuwol

Iambic pentameter... I can see the faint hits of pentameter, but there's very little iambic quality to this piece, and so calling it a sonnet might be stretching it a bit far... ^^;  I mean, sure Shakespeare gets away with it, but Shakespeare's Shakespeare... so anyways. ^^;

I thought as a poem it was nice... the last two lines seemed to strike a nice chord in me, while the rest of the poem seemed to float on top of them. ^_^  The last two lines did not really rhyme that well... but there was a weak rhyme pattern going for it, so that wasn't that big of a deal or anything of that nature. ^^;

My complaint, of course, is in the iambic part... mainly because I struggled to write a sonnet and iambic pentameter always seems to act like a crippling device... iambic tetrameter is never a problem... but you know... the weird quality of a sonnet is that it adds the extra one without making it awkward, and that's really hard to do. ^^;

Anyway, the poem itself was wonderful... as a sonnet, it will pass sort of, given that it has the right number of syllables... but not quite a sonnet. ^_^  I enjoyed it nevertheless... and of course, the last two lines really stand out in my mind. ^_^  Hope to see more of your work, eh?  Until next time.


- holatuwol
quietlydying
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 06-10-2001
Posts 1316
the wonderful land of oz


2 posted 06-10-2001 04:00 AM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for quietlydying

i must say i agree with you won the iambic pentameter, or lack there of.

i pulled a shakespeare when writing this one, actually, that just so happened to be my excuse for slacking.

i needed to get something out on paper, and for some reason felt like a sonnet.  however got fed up and thought 'screw iambic pentameter' and kept the rest of the general guidelines as i had already started writing.

oh well.

- jen
Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Laureate
since 08-30-2000
Posts 15536
San Juan, Puerto Rico


3 posted 06-10-2001 04:26 AM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

I enjoyed this greatly. I do not write in any sort of format, so I couldn't give any adivce on that, but I will say that I liked this. I thought the theme and the way you expressed it was wonderful. Well done and Welcome to Passions!

(MODS- Couldn't send the Card....something wrong with my Browser...)




I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

[This message has been edited by Dopey_Dope (edited 06-10-2001).]

xShUgArHiGhx
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 09-26-2000
Posts 3830
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs


4 posted 06-10-2001 11:10 AM       View Profile for xShUgArHiGhx   Email xShUgArHiGhx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit xShUgArHiGhx's Home Page   View IP for xShUgArHiGhx

Amazing entrance into passions!!! Welcome!!!! I really enjoyed this...you have a lot of talent and i cant wait to see more from you  

P.S.- Check your e-mail for a special greeting!!
knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 04-14-2001
Posts 950
obscured vision


5 posted 06-10-2001 02:23 PM       View Profile for knightlyshadows   Email knightlyshadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for knightlyshadows

yea ok i dont know anything bout Iambic pentameter but i did like this alot! i think you did a great job on it. and its a great first post! WELCOME TO PASSIONS and cant wait to c more of u! *hugs*
tiff

A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.

Where are you when i need you....?

Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Laureate
since 06-07-2000
Posts 14805
Twilight Zone


6 posted 06-14-2001 11:05 AM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Acies

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!

I too don't care much about iambic this iambic that.  All I care about is for a person to write exactly what he/she feels.  And to me that's more poetry than trying to follow a rule book thus lessening the feelings put into the poem.  I loved you Sonnet, yes, I'm calling it a sonnet.  You have really impressed me already and I'd love to read more of your work in the future.  Thanks for sharing.

ps. pls check your email

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Maree, Mic

[This message has been edited by acire (edited 06-14-2001).]

anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 03-23-2001
Posts 4172


7 posted 06-14-2001 06:14 PM       View Profile for anonymous albert ?   Email anonymous albert ?   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymous albert ?

feelings are expressed quite well...in what i have seen so far in your poems...i liekd this a lot...hope tos ee more and ohh yea...WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!...bye

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

stace_co2003
Senior Member
since 03-30-2001
Posts 1225
In a dream world


8 posted 06-14-2001 06:53 PM       View Profile for stace_co2003   Email stace_co2003   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit stace_co2003's Home Page   View IP for stace_co2003

well, there's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said...so welcome to passions!

I don't have an attitude problem You have a perception problem.

Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.

anonymousfemale
Member Ascendant
since 02-02-2000
Posts 6304
Limbo


9 posted 11-08-2002 11:47 PM       View Profile for anonymousfemale   Email anonymousfemale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymousfemale

I have to do this:

welcome to passions!! haha

Whilst running through the archives I came across this gem and can't believed that my name hasn't been added to the list of praisers! It was written brilliantly and it seemed to read through well enough for me. Well done, well done. Most impressed and definitely green.

Me

Consider yourself added to the hitlist.

 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Teen Poetry #4 >> in the absence of your love Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors