Hmm... ^^ There is no way in the world I could ever manage to figure out exactly how to fix this poem... the rhymes were right and everything, and there's just nothing I could say that could add to the poem in any way... of course, I am not one to go to for poetic advice anyways, eh? ^^ So, let's do something I am good at... well at least, that I'd like to think I'm good at.
The poem had one problem that bugged me to pieces... the lines stand alone! x_X This poem is supposed to be like that, being a string of thoughts which have weak links between them, like spinning off of tangents, but poems like that put me into a tizzy, especially if they happen to be RHYMED. HELP!!!! Every time I read through it, I mentally tried to link the two lines that rhymed together... and they didn't fit all that well...
Okay, so they did fit, to some extent... they read as a sentence. ^^; But beyond the whole "each rhymed line pair is actually a sentence" deal, the lines did not fit together in any way... the emotions were skewed, the thoughts were skewed and the flow was slightly skewed... almost parallel, but somewhat skewed nonetheless...
The line pairs were pretty, but they kinda made the poem flow differently... sort of like a river formed by a bunch of tributaries. ^_^ It's still a river, despite the tributaries, but the tributaries each have their own source and their own paths... but they will blend together to make the poem. ^^
And though I liked the poem, reading it slowly isn't something that this poem enjoys a virtue of... it's a poem that must be read somewhat briskly, but without too much rhythm... otherwise, the rhymes start to drive you up the wall and... well, I think it only bothers me because I think too much...
See, most people aren't cursed... it's an evil personality flaw... x_X Ah, well... hehehe ^_^ *thumbs up* I thought the poem was pretty when I finally gained my concentration and read it the way I thought it should be read, but when I was reading it rhythmically and slowly, I was about to tear something out of a wall... ^^; Love your work, and would love to see more!