How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Teen Poetry #4 Archive
 Icy Warmth
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Icy Warmth

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
cherish
Member Ascendant
since 03-25-2001
Posts 6045
swimming in fairy floss.......


0 posted 06-01-2001 12:46 AM       View Profile for cherish   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for cherish

ok i needed help on this one....but the person who i went to for help and who will remain nameless didnt help me much.. ...im not very happy with it...tell me where i can improve alrighty?   thanx very much!!  

      Hot air blows over tired eyes,
      A caress healing severed ties.
      Wait for the destroying winter,
      When hearts break and loves splinter.
    
      Hold all souls in glass jars.
      The hot air burns and charrs.
      Cold south wind keeps and preserves
      Commodities an asthetic heart deserves.
    
      Warmth of touching and breathing,
      Leave blood filled hearts concieving.
      Ice freezes heavenly shafts of light
      Silencing paint-cracked faces' plight.

      Lukewarm love given chance to heave
      Falling deeper, redder like autumn leaves.
      Cold morning dew gives rise to a spring sun
      Drying warm the cobwebbs winter night has spun





"Life is not long and boring,
it's short and compelling." -Javier Agosto-

[This message has been edited by cherish (edited 06-01-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 cherish - All Rights Reserved
little_krazy_poet
Junior Member
since 05-28-2001
Posts 43


1 posted 06-01-2001 12:59 AM       View Profile for little_krazy_poet   Email little_krazy_poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for little_krazy_poet

this is the first poem of yours that i have read and i thought it was realy good.  i can't help with advice(i'm not realy good at that kind of stuff)
anonymousfemale
Member Ascendant
since 02-02-2000
Posts 6304
Limbo


2 posted 06-01-2001 01:09 AM       View Profile for anonymousfemale   Email anonymousfemale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymousfemale

Do you know what? I don't actually think it needs to be improved anywhere. It has a nice run through it and your imagery is awesome.
So nope, it's all good in my books. But ,my books don't always count so...eh.  

Dopey was the advice, wasn't he?  

~AF~

Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved."
-Van Kaam

anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 03-23-2001
Posts 4172


3 posted 06-01-2001 01:26 AM       View Profile for anonymous albert ?   Email anonymous albert ?   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymous albert ?

write poems all by yourself!! ...ummmm ...hehehe just kidding ...but yea!...as eJ said i think it will do as it is...i really liked the way it was written  ...and the imagery in this poem was awesome  ...and...bye cherish

i'm addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 06-01-2001).]

holatuwol
Member
since 04-27-2001
Posts 78
California, USA


4 posted 06-01-2001 03:39 AM       View Profile for holatuwol   Email holatuwol   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for holatuwol

Hmm... ^^  There is no way in the world I could ever manage to figure out exactly how to fix this poem... the rhymes were right and everything, and there's just nothing I could say that could add to the poem in any way... of course, I am not one to go to for poetic advice anyways, eh? ^^  So, let's do something I am good at... well at least, that I'd like to think I'm good at.

The poem had one problem that bugged me to pieces... the lines stand alone! x_X  This poem is supposed to be like that, being a string of thoughts which have weak links between them, like spinning off of tangents, but poems like that put me into a tizzy, especially if they happen to be RHYMED.  HELP!!!!  Every time I read through it, I mentally tried to link the two lines that rhymed together... and they didn't fit all that well...

Okay, so they did fit, to some extent... they read as a sentence. ^^;  But beyond the whole "each rhymed line pair is actually a sentence" deal, the lines did not fit together in any way... the emotions were skewed, the thoughts were skewed and the flow was slightly skewed... almost parallel, but somewhat skewed nonetheless...

The line pairs were pretty, but they kinda made the poem flow differently... sort of like a river formed by a bunch of tributaries. ^_^  It's still a river, despite the tributaries, but the tributaries each have their own source and their own paths... but they will blend together to make the poem. ^^

And though I liked the poem, reading it slowly isn't something that this poem enjoys a virtue of... it's a poem that must be read somewhat briskly, but without too much rhythm... otherwise, the rhymes start to drive you up the wall and... well, I think it only bothers me because I think too much...

See, most people aren't cursed... it's an evil personality flaw... x_X  Ah, well... hehehe ^_^  *thumbs up*  I thought the poem was pretty when I finally gained my concentration and read it the way I thought it should be read, but when I was reading it rhythmically and slowly, I was about to tear something out of a wall... ^^;  Love your work, and would love to see more!


- holatuwol
knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 04-14-2001
Posts 950
obscured vision


5 posted 06-01-2001 04:25 AM       View Profile for knightlyshadows   Email knightlyshadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for knightlyshadows

okays Mc....breath! you can do it hun love ya muchs Mc! *hugs*
newayz.....i liked this Cherish i loved the last stanza tho..alots. i thought u did a good job and all that good stuffish. so woo hoo for u. cant wait for mores! *pats Mc on the head*:P
tiff

A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.

Where are you when i need you....?

Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Laureate
since 08-30-2000
Posts 15536
San Juan, Puerto Rico


6 posted 06-02-2001 03:42 AM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

Holatuwol and Liz both say that this poem doesn't need to be fixed.......now....the genius who didnt help you....who will be nameless *me me me* didn't help you much because he, aswell, didn't see anything wrong with the poem. So HA!
I enjoyed the poem cherish.....live with it! It is well written!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

cherish
Member Ascendant
since 03-25-2001
Posts 6045
swimming in fairy floss.......


7 posted 06-04-2001 01:00 AM       View Profile for cherish   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for cherish

haha...ok yeah he confessed haha...you were meant to keep it quiet dopes!!..im glad you guys enjoyed it..thank you for reading!!

holatuwol-you're right..i mean i think the reason i was displeased with this one was cuz i didnt really know what was wrong with it but knew that i didnt like it cuz there was sumthing wrong with it...you're right too in saying that the thoughts seemed to go off at a tangent..but i wrote this really quickly and the thoughts came out real quick too...and when i do read it i tend to read it really fast.so the thoughts may seem a little skewed..im going to take your advice with the rhyming though..i think that that was a good tip...hahha..i suck at rhyme..i can never work it properly but yes thanx for that tip ill keep it in mind for next time...this one i dont think i have the energy to work on to complete anymore..but thank you oh so much for the advice.. ..maybe the next one youll see is this in freeverse haha...ok i wont torture you..

Postman Pat
Member
since 08-05-2001
Posts 51
The Great Land DownUnder


8 posted 08-06-2001 12:40 AM       View Profile for Postman Pat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Postman Pat

Well here's another one which you showed me before. I didn't know that you didn't like it much.I thought it was excellent-better then anything i can write out in a million years!!
But then again you are a "purr-fection-ist" (dont HIT me!!).
You do really well in writing stuff like this.I don't have a clue of what it's about though- I think that it's about "love"-but I'm not so sure.
You have to tell me one day ok?
Bye bebe!!!
Marshalzu
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 02-15-2001
Posts 4465
Lurking


9 posted 03-04-2003 11:42 AM       View Profile for Marshalzu   Email Marshalzu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marshalzu's Home Page   View IP for Marshalzu

Here is me thinking that you didn't do rhyming and it seems that you do and what is more you do it well, great write. I really enjoyed the read
cherish will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Teen Poetry #4 >> Icy Warmth Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors