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Passions in Poetry

visual shot

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kaile
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since 02-06-2000
Posts 5323
singapore


0 posted 05-24-2001 01:31 PM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for kaile

Like a porcelain vase
smashed to bits and pieces

Cotton pillows
spread their dominance
over the sky and my sight

Like grassland swaying in the wind

These sky waves
surge forward
Splashing over casually
they erode away ill impurities,
leaving behind contentment

Like a multi-storeyed pagoda

These layered clouds
leave me spell-bound
open-mouthed
blank-minded

gasping for words
to adequately describe them


© Copyright 2001 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved
Allan Riverwood
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since 01-04-2001
Posts 4212
Winnipeg


1 posted 05-24-2001 01:40 PM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood

Heya Faterider.     Posting something for us whippersnappers, I see?
First of all, I love the use of similies in here... how they were isolated from the rest of the poem by being solitary lines or sets of lines, not parts of the stanzas.  I thought this really improved the impact created by them, I have to praise that aspect of the poem.
Spacing and breaks in this poem add a lot to the flow and the feel of it... and that's what I appreciated most about it.
I also liked the second to last stanza, how it utilized hyphenated words in sequence.  Very clever.
I'd have to say that the writing in here is not what makes it shine, rather the organization of breaks and spacing, how you built this.  Suffice it to say the writing is good, but the formatting is magnificent.
Well done.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day.Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

DarkSilver
Junior Member
since 05-21-2001
Posts 41
Six O'clock High!


2 posted 05-24-2001 02:27 PM       View Profile for DarkSilver   Email DarkSilver   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for DarkSilver

I liked the imagery in this it was a beautiful scene, and you described it well enough that the images were easily seen in my mind.

It doesn't matter who you are only who you serve. - Draken O'Larn, the Starwarrior Saga

anonymous albert ?
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since 03-23-2001
Posts 4172


3 posted 05-24-2001 04:04 PM       View Profile for anonymous albert ?   Email anonymous albert ?   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymous albert ?

this was nice...i enjoyed the imagery a lot...thanks for the read and hope to see more... ...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

Dopey Dope
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since 08-30-2000
Posts 15536
San Juan, Puerto Rico


4 posted 05-24-2001 04:57 PM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

Welcome back!!!! It's so good to see your poetry up again. I really liked this one and I hope to see more from you!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

kaile
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since 02-06-2000
Posts 5323
singapore


5 posted 05-24-2001 10:18 PM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kaile

Allan, your reply left me open-mouthed...that this is coming from a person who is not afraid to speak his mind when there are improvements to be made makes me feel like i have SCORED!!

i appreciate your kind words....it makes writing worthwhile  

DarkSilver, albert, im glad you enjoyed...imagery is a hard technique for me to apply so im glad i have succeeded with this one

javier, be wary...i may stay in teens for a while and pull off a few stunts...watch out for me....

[This message has been edited by faterider (edited 05-24-2001).]

Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


6 posted 05-25-2001 05:29 AM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Yu Lan

Mmm... I'd have to agree with Allan there, your timing is pretty good in this! Everything is so precisely placed, yet it feels so relaxed, and beautiful.. I think THAT'S what a good poet is.. someone who can make words speak. This poem speaks.. I mean hell, it almost breaths on it's own with a mood like that..   I enjoyed this. You must have had a great time. Nice one fate  

Oh yeah, what's a 'pagoda'?

PS Welcome back from Vietnam
Luv,
Lynne


A poem is a tiny piece of the poets soul; on paper.

[This message has been edited by Yu Lan (edited 05-25-2001).]

kaile
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since 02-06-2000
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singapore


7 posted 03-17-2003 12:21 PM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kaile

hmmm, thinking of submitting this for Reflections
 
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