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Teen Poetry #4
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knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791
obscured vision

0 posted 2001-05-24 12:07 PM


"Brother! Brother! Overtone!
I screamed for him as I cried
the tragic news I must pass on
and comfort I did seek

My Brother...Savior
held me in his arms
as I wept upon his strong shoulder
and told him of their death

Brother, Brother, Overtone
now my mother and my father
comforter, gaurdian and protector    
Overtone...Everything is he to me    

My Brother....Friend
with me through thick and thin
always there with a helping hand
and a dagger on the ready

Brother, Brother, Overtone
a better person then I
always has a smile on his face
and a twinkle in his eye

My Brother...Life
gaurds my well being
as I provide with a slip of the hand
he watches in a fighters stance

Brother, Brother, Overtone
would give his life for mine
he suspects the worse thing I could do
yet still uncondionally he loves me

My Brother...Brother
his name conceals his heart
he is more then meets the eye
himself a master of deceit

Brother, Brother, Overtone
who is everything to me
protects me with his honour and grace
as I do the same for him?

[This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (edited 05-24-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Tiffany Durham - All Rights Reserved
Allan Riverwood
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
1 posted 2001-05-24 12:42 PM


I like the question you ended on in this piece.     Nicely done.
I also like the exchange between the non-repitition lines at the start of each other stanza.  I think this was well thought-out.
The way you portrayed the brother and sister from the sister's eyes in here is excellent... I like seeing this kind of a shift in perception.
I also loved stanza six... how it detailed their money-gaining process.  Neato.  
Great work, sis!  
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day.  Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.  
~Unknown

Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
2 posted 2001-05-24 04:48 PM


I really liked this one Tiff. Very well written and I liked the ending with the question. Well done here.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Godsend_1
Member
since 2001-04-19
Posts 247
great state of illinois
3 posted 2001-05-24 04:50 PM


*takes your hand in his and raises it to his lips and softly kisses the back of your hand* *nods in answer* *loves the poem and loves you* *leaves the room as silently as he came in* *and leaves a whisper floating in the air* great poem tiffany i love you

ben

i am what i am and that is all that i am and all that i shall ever be..so deal with it
to make the world the greatest place is the perfect dream in

anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

4 posted 2001-05-24 06:28 PM


definitly the last lines was graet...i liekd this poem overall...graet job and keep writing tiff... ...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

LoveBug
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697

5 posted 2001-05-26 02:18 PM


PAGE 1!!!

I really like this piece! The RPG really sounds fun, and it's great that you can draw such inspiration from it! Great work here, thanks for sharing.

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

Poet on Acid
Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 325
Florida, USA
6 posted 2001-05-30 04:08 AM


the question mark at the end was a nice touch. I love this piece.

"It's too cold in the world...too cold to be alone..." - >¶Øʆ<

anonymousfemale
Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
7 posted 2001-05-30 11:45 AM


You TOO have an unhealthy obsession.   jk

Tiff, you are always coming out with these really good pieces that I don't know how much more praise I can give you!!

Very cool last stanza.  

~AF~

Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved."
-Van Kaam

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