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Teen Poetry #4
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Allan Riverwood
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Winnipeg

0 posted 2001-05-24 12:10 PM


A sore is dry beneath its wound
where canine cuts the bone to bleed
Such tissue was a skin upon
my baby sister Ganamede

Her digits, both a servant's tool
and then a tool to take it's pay
Her eyes, the seers of golden coins
that gave her in a gentle way

A lady, and her father's boon
but just his valor's driving steed
A thief, when every eye was turned
was lovely lady Ganamede

show me silver, shining coins
to dress her wooden dolls
give me golden, glitt'ring coins
to paper up her walls
spinning, shrieking, flipping coins
and calling in the air
for the daggers in her hands
and the flowers in her hair


To see the path, the empty bay
as would we every sunday noon
To keep the thought within our hearts
of mom and father coming soon

"Brother! Brother! Overtone!"
she called me both by blood and name
She wanted we to climb the house
and play the father watching game

But would the heatwave break its still
and pay our patience for its deed?
Still, my attention was not there
'twas on my sister Ganamede

show me sapphire, glowing stones
to give her dolly sight
give me bruises, broken bones
to show her how to fight
singing, shining, stepping stones
ascend into the air
for the daggers in her hands
and the flowers in her hair


'twas Ganamede who brought the news
with bitter teardrops in her eyes
Her trek to greet the caravan
was smitten with a grim surprise

"Mother, Father... Overtone"
I held her in my arms and cried
as did we both, for all our dreams
were buried when our parents died

And shocked was I to see that night
within her pockets, truth was told
The pouches in her trouser sides
were filled to brim with Father's gold

She stepped the stairs onto the roof
when pivoted, I said "proceed."
I loved her still, but she was not
my baby sister Ganamede

show me honour, show me truth
I wish to see her face
take my valor, take my youth
my honour and my grace
slipping, sliding, money tooth
that nibbles down despair
for the daggers in her hands
and the flowers in her hair


© Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
anonymous albert ?
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1 posted 2001-05-24 01:13 AM


amazinly well written allan...awesome flow and the poem...was beautiful throughtout...and was well told...with emotions...i really liked it...thanks for sharing it and hope to see more soon... ...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

holatuwol
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since 2001-04-27
Posts 72
California, USA
2 posted 2001-05-24 03:15 AM


Wow, Allan... you know, the first time reading through, I had no idea that this was structured in any way and I just thought it was really simple rhymed verse, and I was just about to note that.  I mean, the poem seemed to flow a little too well for structured verse, but then again... most of your work does, anyway. ^^

And I continued to believe there was no structure until I started to count the syllables in each of the lines, and there was definitely a pattern of some sort. ^^   All non-italics looked like a tetrameter of some sort, while italics alternated 7-6 syllables, which is some poetic form which I don't know.  Surprise?  hehe ^^;  Not for me... I don't know many poetic styles.

^^  Funny things happen when you sorta-kinda understand what the poems are being written about... I thought this was really nice.  hehe! ^^  And I have to admit that the story that you told was as touching in verse as it was in conversationalist style... I definitely enjoyed it... very odd when you almost know what's being said.

A surreal image that you created was made concrete, real, and put together in verse that can potentially hypnotise... it's what makes this all the more beautiful. ^_^v  You definitely have major talent, Allan, and it's definitely something that many of us aspire to... perhaps one day, we shall succeed in matching it, though perhaps that day is a long ways away.  In any case, until then...


- holatuwol

Dopey Dope
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San Juan, Puerto Rico
3 posted 2001-05-24 04:02 AM


Very well done Allan! I enjoyed this poem, and you even got a reply from the guy who replies with long replies haha....
Anyway, you wrote this well. I often become amazed with how well you can write about something completely abstract....I mean this does have some sort of deep meaning, I presume....and the way you bring it out is wonderful.
I enjoyed this one, and I await until your next post.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

knightlyshadows
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since 2001-04-14
Posts 791
obscured vision
4 posted 2001-05-24 12:46 PM


awww i love this. u did a wonderful job on it allan. the descripions u used r terrific and the way u tied in the real stuff with it ..its just amazing. this is so sweet. i love the italics pieces of how it describes her. and then yet again tyin the doll and the daggers and her as a thief in. well this is just amazing.
library it shall go
thanx allan. *hugs* love you bro.
tiff


“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

Just leave me alone and give me some space.

[This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (edited 05-24-2001).]

Jenn Cirrincione
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Fl
5 posted 2001-05-24 01:17 PM


Wow, you write about this so well. It reminds me of something out of some old movie, like "the princess bride" or something. This was definitly interesting, and is something I could never pull off. Kudos to you.

Jenn

"If it's wrong to love you, then my heart just won't let me be right, cause I'm drowned in you, and I won't pull through without you by my side." Mari

DarkSilver
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since 2001-05-21
Posts 33
Six O'clock High!
6 posted 2001-05-24 02:23 PM


Woah! that had style, movement, emotion, and pure beauty. I think I'm going to take down my poems now and learn some more before I post again.

It doesn't matter who you are only who you serve. - Draken O'Larn, the Starwarrior Saga

Child of the Stars
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Ann Arbor, MI
7 posted 2001-05-25 10:27 PM


WHOA! AWESOME! Hahaha this rocked. Awesome job love. Awesome.
  ~Carly

"Go outside and use your own eyes. You'll be surprised to see things you've never been taught..."
   ~Edouard Manet

fozzyozzy
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since 2001-03-15
Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia
8 posted 2001-05-25 10:41 PM


you always seem to post amazing stuff Allan i wonder what your secret could possibly be. excellent read by the way. just whoa
fozzieozzie

"The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean
Holding the curve of one position
Counting an endless repetition"
Robert Fr

katherine
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since 2000-06-10
Posts 365
Canberra Australia
9 posted 2001-05-26 02:27 AM


this is amazing Allan! you've done a great job yet agian. i always love readng something you've written.
keep it up.
katie

if you don't let them in they can't see the real you

Lakewalker
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since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people
10 posted 2001-05-26 10:46 AM


It's hard to write responses sometimes, just because you don't know what to say.  This one is way too...incredibly well written.  You've done some great work with this one!

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato.

LoveBug
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11 posted 2001-05-26 11:34 AM


Ummm... WOW!
Beautiful and deep piece here, Allan. I love the style and the story as well. Does this have something to do with your role playing game? Anyway, wonderful piece. Keep posting as much as you can, ok?

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

anonymousfemale
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since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
12 posted 2001-05-27 07:43 AM


WOW!!! *stands up applauding*
This rocks I mean, this REALLY rocks. The imagery is brilliant and the italics were wow quality of over 10.  

You rule so you're going in the library.

~AF~

"I'm not a slave to a God that doesn't exist."
Manson - The Fight Song

vixengrl04
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since 2001-04-26
Posts 495
East Haddam, CT
13 posted 2001-05-27 12:02 PM


Wow Allan, this was excellent!!! I liked it so much!  

~*Nikki*~

~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~

obscurity of cloud
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since 2001-05-11
Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....
14 posted 2001-05-27 12:49 PM


Mr. Riverwood, this is incredible!  I love the repetition of "overtone" and your overall flow.  Wonderful job.

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

Marshalzu
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Lurking
15 posted 2001-05-28 11:04 AM


Absoloutely amazing Allan, another great piece of work, incredibly beautiful and you kept me interested all the way through... A piece for the library.
Zu

Marshalzu
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16 posted 2001-05-28 11:04 AM


What can I say I really like this piece...
Zu

[This message has been edited by Marshalzu (edited 05-28-2001).]

chasing rain
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since 2001-05-15
Posts 737
Canada
17 posted 2001-05-29 12:25 PM


*masterpiece theatre music starts playing*
AHH!! I LOVE IT! Great lines! GREAT WORK! MASTERPIECE!!! AHHHH!!!   Rock on! *summons the library checky thing*

-Chasing rain (supposedly)

little_krazy_poet
Junior Member
since 2001-05-28
Posts 41

18 posted 2001-05-29 12:48 PM


WOW, i could say. WELL WRITTEN, you've herd. but i think that your ego is large enough so what i have to say is.... it was good,
one qustion do you read poetry and then write it or not well please e-mail with the answer and it was a graet poem

JBaker515
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Dartmouth College
19 posted 2001-05-29 01:22 AM


Allan..
wow!!
you have heard from everyone that this is amazing..because it is!!
unbelievable..
awesome.
keep it up.
Jeff

$ Jeff $   :  )

"If I'm not back in 5 minutes......just wait longer!"

"You may take our lives, but you'll never take our FREEDOM!

banburycross
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since 2001-03-27
Posts 946
viginia
20 posted 2001-05-29 01:31 PM


the flow of this is very unique, and that is really what got me paying very close attention to every line.  i love the story that you presented in this piece, you did a really awesome job on this poem.  keep sharing your beautiful poetry with us.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

AngelPoet87
Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280
Indy
21 posted 2001-05-29 09:53 PM


*kneels down in worship and awe of Allan on his thrown of high power*
Meggie1986
Junior Member
since 2001-05-22
Posts 41
California
22 posted 2001-05-29 10:35 PM


Wow... that was really beautiful.  It all flowed so well.  ::Gazes in awe::  Absolutely fantastic- I'm at a loss for words!
Evylyn
Junior Member
since 2001-06-04
Posts 20
Florida, USA
23 posted 2001-06-05 01:54 AM


What a magnificant piece!  Upon reading it, I was very pleased with the accurate descriptions and sing-song way of how you rhymed it.  Somehow, it reminds me of the old ballads written about the Middle Ages.  ("Beowolf" comes to mind...)  

Anyway, keep up the fantastic poetry!  I look forward to reading more!

"The only thing that boggles the mind is the mind itself."

quietlydying
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the wonderful land of oz
24 posted 2001-06-10 03:56 PM


one word, amazing.

i just so happened to be listening to 'the highwayman' by loreena mckennit while reading this, and the two together made a perfect pair.

VERY similar styles.

- jen

Fading Away
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25 posted 2001-06-16 02:30 PM


This is so breathtaking, Allan.  With each post I read from you, I become more and more impressed with the talent you have to write absolutely beautiful poetry.  I'm truly jealous of what I read here.  This poem was amazing.  You rock, Allan.  I don't tell you that enough.
Awesome work.

--Marie

"You're the girl of my nightmares, erotic and skull-faced.
Anorexic Beauty, feather-weight perfection.  Anorexic Beauty, underweight goddess." --Pulp

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