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Teen Poetry #4
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knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791
obscured vision

0 posted 2001-05-18 12:59 PM


she hums under her breath
as she works her life away
she doesnt know how to keep still
shes constantly on the move

she hums under her breath
working her fingers to the bone
making everything perfect
as only she can see fit

she hums under her breath
as she kills herself slowly
making everything orderly
to make herself happy


“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

"You say i only hear what i want too..."

[This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (edited 05-18-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Tiffany Durham - All Rights Reserved
ShortSexyAngel777
New Member
since 2001-05-17
Posts 9
Louisiana, USA
1 posted 2001-05-18 01:02 AM


oh my gosh, i can so relate to that poem. as i took it anyways. my friends are always telling me i work too hard, and i always try to hard to please people, and make things perfect. anyways, very good poem, i enjoyed it.  


Allan Riverwood
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
2 posted 2001-05-18 01:09 AM


Nice work, Tiffer.  She hums... very neat thought.  
Keep on sharin' all your work with us.  I really think your talent is on the rise.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day.  Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.  
~Unknown

anonymous albert ?
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Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

3 posted 2001-05-18 01:12 AM


this poem was nice...and

"she hums under her breath
as she kills herself slowly
making everything orderly
to make herself happy"

this part of the poem was pretty real to me...i liekd it and keep writing...tiff... ...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

banburycross
Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946
viginia
4 posted 2001-05-18 12:51 PM


the last stanza was my favorite, you wrote this piece beautifully.  i like the way you set up the ending with the other two stanzas as well, good us of repitition.  i always like reading your work, keep sharing with us.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Dopey Dope
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Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
5 posted 2001-05-19 02:33 PM


I thought you did well on this tiff, but it's not the best you've written. I'm a bit harder on you when I read your poems cuz you post so many and I'm able to decipher which poems I like the most and least.
Anyhow, you did well on this one.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
6 posted 2001-06-06 07:12 PM


Reminds me of a compulsion
some kind of a manic compulsive disorder
hope things are well Tiff
keep sharing

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Val, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Maree, Michel

xShUgArHiGhx
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Member Elite
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs
7 posted 2001-06-10 01:23 AM


This was so sad...humming always reminded me of happiness but you mixed the two together wonderfully and completely creeped me out! LOL...excellent job...simply amazing in my opinion  
quietlydying
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Senior Member
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz
8 posted 2001-06-10 02:56 AM


i really enjoy how you used such a simplistic vocabulary to paint such a vivid picture.

very well written.

- jen

stace_co2003
Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497
In a dream world
9 posted 2001-06-10 03:03 PM


it's a nice poem about either perfectionism or someone who is obsessive compulsive. keep up the good work!!

I'm just glad that now this rainstorm has ended, and I can see the rainbow once again.

never_a_princess
Member
since 2001-06-09
Posts 82
Show Me the Money
10 posted 2001-06-10 03:35 PM


*nods* yeppums, it made me think of a OCD person..like someone who always has to wash their hands(poor people!)..n~e~wayz..this was kinda short but it flows really nicely *likes* you got the "elegance of a poet" (*steals someone else's words..*)..*hugz*..miss ya girly! keep writing and all that junk..and thanx for the reply to my poem *hehe* i liked it.
~Anna *waves*

[This message has been edited by never_a_princess (edited 06-10-2001).]

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