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Teen Poetry #4
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Untitled(help?)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Untitled(help?) |
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Sabriel.s.h.lover Member
since 2001-04-16
Posts 73b.f.e. aka- Hickville |
My heart stops beating, when you're around. When you look into my eyes, I melt into a puddle on the ground. When I see you smile, all the pain goes away. When we talk, I can't think of anything to say. You slowly healed, my crushed heart. And I hope now in your busy life, that I can play a big part. I'm not quite sure, but I think I'm in love with you. It was always this way, I knew. I love you. So many books, so little time She and I are nothing alike, your confusing day with night.~Dream~girlband [This message has been edited by Sabriel.s.h.lover (edited 05-17-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Angelina - All Rights Reserved | |||
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
sweeeeet poem...thanks for the read...this poem was nice...great job and i liked it...ohh and the title hmm...jus put it simple like "i love you"...  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
In the second line "your" should be "you're," just thought I'd say that  This is really good, I liked the short lines, that made it flow really well for me. And what you're saying in this is so cool Good job on this one."Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Lake beat me to it.  Oh and if you want "help" on your poems, there's a simple feature to encourage help called a "critique flag." Go to member's area, change your profile, and you'll have the option somewhere in there to encourage critiques. That way, if you want, you can get helpful constructive replies on all of your poems without having to ask in the title. I didn't think this poem was too bad at all, I agree with my fellow Al that it might work nicely simply as "I love you." ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
well i got here after you edited everything, and as it stands i think that it is well done and very well written, i like this a lot. great job, keep sharing your wrok with all of us. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
This one was beautiful...being in love is amazing..but i disagree with the others i dont really think you should just have "i love you" as your title cuz thats really simple...what popped into my head was "falling into you.." I dunno why!!! LoL I guess because when i was reading it it just brought back memories of falling into love with that special someone and the title just popped into my head!! LoL...Thanks for sharing this one with us!! |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
You did wonderful on this one. I fully enjoyed it and thought it was rather sweet!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Excellent words....great job Thanks for the beautiful read keep sharing I'm so sorry for doubting you Kit ... please forgive me!!!! |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
I agree with every1 else. this was quite good.nice job. fall hard, practice harder not to fall |
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