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Teen Poetry #4
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Red eyes
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Red eyes |
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Marshalzu  
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking 
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Soap Scrubbing the past that I leave behind, Soap in my eyes but I do not mind, Burning pain but I cannot cry, My past has bled my tear ducts dry, Scrubbing the past that I leave behind, Soap in my eyes, pain I can not find, Red eyes soar, scrubbing too hard, I lie bleeding out in my yard, Scrubbing the past that I leave behind, Soap in my eyes but I’m feeling blind, You do not notice the pain in my eye, But your up above me, floating so high, Scrubbing the past that I leave behind, Soap in my eyes facing the grind, I’m moving on now can see far ahead, I’m forgetting now whatever you said. --- Another piece i'm not that happy with... i'm still stuck pretty much in writers block so I just walked past a bar of soap and forced myself to write about it... Anyway what do you think? Marshal Zu " The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson E-mail/Msn: Targetmrzu@hotmail.com [This message has been edited by Marshalzu (edited 05-18-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
i liked the way you opened this piece especially, this is very coo. i think if you wanted to do something neat with this you could turn it into a villanelle because you use so much repitition in this. either way this is good writing. keep posting your work. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
zu!!..hey this was really good writing...i enjoyed this quite alot...thanks for the read and keep writing...and be happy!?!...  .../if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Now that is creativity at work! I love it for the fact that you made yourself write about an object like a bar of soap. Very deep and very cool. Keep 'em coming, Andrew.  ~AF~ Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. |
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Sabriel.s.h.lover Member
since 2001-04-16
Posts 73b.f.e. aka- Hickville |
this was yet another good piece by you!  i liked it!sbariel~ So many books, so little time |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
not bad Zu. You started it really well and I believe you kinda laxed in the end. All in all it's a good read though. keep sharing "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
I love the beginning and middle of the poem, but the last stanza just didn't work for me. It seemed to lose the feeling of the rest of it. Geez, I hate agreeing with acire  Great start to this poem though, and good luck getting over your writers block!"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
I like this, although the ending is very weak. You ended on a note not good enough for conclusion of the poem. If you add a stanza after the last, you may be able to save this. I like the initial idea behind it. ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Ok yeh you just confirmed what i thought a very weak ending... watch out for the revised version... |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I really liked the style of this. I thought you expressed yourself quite well.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
I saw this one a while back...but never responded... interesting...but strange...lol  Stace I'm just glad that now this rainstorm has ended, and I can see the rainbow once again. |
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Sparkie4PLUR New Member
since 2001-05-03
Posts 8 |
This has got to be one of the best I have read in a while...I really like this poem a LOT...can't wait to read more PLUR Sparkie "The music will never stop, the heartbeat will never fade, the party will NEVER end" |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
ok this piece was great!!!...i loved the repetition and everything!!!...powerful imagery too...writers block or no writers block..you continue to write so well...i have to agree with the others on the last stanza....its a great stanza but i think you should resolve it a bit more powerfully... ....AGPFAGP!!!!!..haha...  "Life is not long and boring, |
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~sugarpie313~ Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 375Maine, USA |
this was soooooooo good. i am absolutely in love with it. the repition... there's a joke about drinking that's kinda like this... here check it out: http://www.joek.com/jokes/joke_9.shtml i think everyone might like it LOL i do!!GREAT JOB once again Valerie Why do you do what u do to me baby...you know if I could I'd do anything for you, please don't ignore me cause you know I adore you |
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