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Teen Poetry #4
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what if?
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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what if? |
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thedarkangel Member
since 2001-05-12
Posts 74~*~the cutest~*~ |
~*~i really have to say this is one of my more depressed poems. it's really pants, but some of my friends think it's good.~*~ What would happen if i died? Would the world stop? Would anyone even realise? Would the days pass by as the days when i were alive? Our would people take a moment to say their last goodbye? But i guess i'd know if i died How good my friends were and if they cared and cried. i guess some would care and some would not but i would care cos i don't wanna be forgot. ~*~is forgot even a word? how smelly?!~*~ Each Moment in time is a pinprick in eternity-Marcus Aurilius |
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| © Copyright 2001 laura - All Rights Reserved | |||
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
i liked the emaning behind this poem and i enjoyed it and i saw some typos and also when you write you dont nessceeary need the poem to rym and it did seemed like to were concentrating a lot on the rym...other then that i thought...this was nice...keep writing...  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
I often ask myself the question "What if?" espeically when it comes to my own existance. You expressed yourself very well, and I thought this was very good.  ~*Nikki*~ ~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~ |
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holatuwol Member
since 2001-04-27
Posts 72California, USA |
I just thought that I'd mention the idea that though I thought you wrote a nice poem, I disagree entirely with the message that was presented in the end about the implicit connection between caring and crying... ^^ The message seems implicit that there's a connection between them, but you can also read it differently if you choose to do so, such that they have nothing to do with each other in the context of your poem. But that's another issue that doesn't deal with the poem, and since everyone's entitled to their own interpretation and I may be the screwy one here... ^^; Anyways, aside from that evil note, I just thought that I'd say that your poem was an interesting read. Oh... and Welcome to Passions! ^^ Hope you enjoy your stay here as much as I've enjoyed mine. Anyways... "forgot" is a word... ^^ Just, it's not the word you want: "forgot" is the past tense of the verb "to forget"... you know, the age-old excuse of why you didn't do your homework: "I forgot we had homework!" However, the past participle of "to forget" is "forgotten," and so, that was somewhat misused in the poem and you might want to consider revising it... ^^; And that is all I'd have to say about the poem... very simple message that many people often think about. ^_^ We only have a short time to live, though... so don't let your thoughts linger on death too long unless you think it's a productive use of time, or is more productive than what you're doing... erk, I'm rambling. ^^ So I shall cut it short. hehehe Until next time... - holatuwol |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I think you did well......but the question on "forgot" is not whether it's a word, cuz it is.....it's whether it was used in the right tense....anyway, nicely done.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Good poem, although I though that the ryme was a little out in places and I kind of got lost, the idea however was great and i think with a little work this could be a great poem. Anyway it's nice to see someone from England!!! Mr mr Zu " The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
i like this piece overal, i think that you did a good job on this. the only thing that i didn't like was the last rhyme in the poem, i think you might try reworking the ending of this a little bit. anyway, great job, keep posting your work. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Don't we all ask that question and try to imagine who would or wouldn't be there. Or who would miss you the most. Very interesting read indeed. keep sharing I'm so sorry for doubting you Kit ... please forgive me!!!! |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
I've definately thought about all of this many times. Great job..i enjoyed this one |
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dramaqueen22086 Member
since 2001-05-05
Posts 50Hadlyme, CT |
hey i thoguth this was really good peom, i wonder about that kinda of stuff to, i wonder if my freidns would forget about me, and thats my biggest fear in life. but i know even if my friends forget me my family wouldn't. and i know thats a good thing. i know when my friends died, i got this feeling over me , and it was a weird feeling. i don't think this makes scene but oh well, what i'm trying to say is i won't ever forget them, and i know your friends will never forget you.  ~!kellie!~ |
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stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
erm.....it's really pants? uhhh, aren't those the things you wear? someone, clue me in!! but I like the poem, and I do definatly agree it should be forgotten. I mean the word......not the poem. er..I'm gonna go before I make a bigger a** of myself. I'm just glad that now this rainstorm has ended, and I can see the rainbow once again. |
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PiXiEpUnKeR Junior Member
since 2001-06-06
Posts 49IL, USA |
Dark Angel, the beginning and middle of this poem are very strong and show very deep emotions. However, the ending, instead of trying to rhyme the last line, you should try leaving it as, I dont want to be forgotten. See how that sounds. Poems dont always have to rhyme... the important thing is that you write poems that people can relate to... and this is a great example of it! Good work! |
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