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Teen Poetry #4
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Tangerines
Junior Member
since 2001-05-07
Posts 22
Richmond, Virginia

0 posted 2001-05-14 02:52 PM


This is rather unmitigated crap. Feeeeedback!


i'm smiling like next week's tulips,
a quick burst of arterial red and then gone.
nobody whispers as loudly as you.
for forty days and nights i'm wandering,
touching the sky (blue but gray at the edges)
with my small hands, burning myself
into a thin crisp, a memory of flesh.
i want sleep, my eyelids heavy,
quiet and unnoticed in the sun,
a slow warmth molten in the hollows
of my elbows and my knees.
after next week i'll stop making excuses,
i'll laugh and flicker mothlike
and forget the important things that hurt me
and wake me up at midnight, shaking
and wanting hidden bruises.
i'm finally learning that what i do
will never be good enough:
i'm standing on the edge of the precipice, hesitant,
one step away from falling
or exploding into light.


"I don't judge people, I just watch them till it's time to look away. I wanna look away now." - Kristin Hersh


[This message has been edited by Tangerines (edited 05-14-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Susan - All Rights Reserved
anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-05-14 02:55 PM


different but nice...i enjoyed how you wrote this...... ...?

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 05-14-2001).]

Silver Butterfly
Junior Member
since 2001-03-13
Posts 42
Between here and the end
2 posted 2001-05-14 03:04 PM


Good poem, the imagry was excellent. One suggestion, if you are going to put a note to the reader first, then make sure it is very clearly not a part of the poem. It confused me massivly. Good job. Ciao.  

[This message has been edited by Silver Butterfly (edited 05-14-2001).]

silvrduck
Member
since 2000-11-05
Posts 146

3 posted 2001-05-14 03:08 PM


I agree with Silver, the imagry was excellent, I *really* enjoyed this one! I don't know what unmitigated means, lol, but this was great.
keep posting,
Sarah

*love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.*

Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
4 posted 2001-05-18 02:39 PM


I really liked this one. I thought you did quite well on it.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

banburycross
Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946
viginia
5 posted 2001-05-18 05:43 PM


ok susan, feedback.  i thought that this wasn't one of your best pieces because the flow at the begining made it hard to get into.  the long lines at the opening made it hard to get into.  i think the images are beautiful and i really like the way you ended this piece, this is really excellent work overall.  if i were to work on anything it would be the opening, but that's just my personal opinion.  keep sharing all your work with us  

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

obscurity of cloud
Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....
6 posted 2001-05-19 12:16 PM


I liked this a lot; it reminds me of some poet i can't think of...how distinct is that.  Anyway, i really liked your images about the tulips...keep posting, please!

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

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