Cogito (first post in poetry!)

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

obscurity of cloud
Member

since 2001-05-11

Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....

0 posted 2001-05-12 05:06 PM

The night i left made me wonder all those questions
that Descartes tried to answer with an "ergo sum."
But i'm the kind of person that tends to find
the places to ruminate aren't inside her own room.

I searched for things to worship, like rocks and glittering bugs
and i tiptoed through the tulips, singing, where do we go when we die.
But rocks chip, and bugs are crushed with a heel or a raindrop
and i'll be there on mother's day with flowers and a lie.

I used to hide in the refrigerator where no one could find me
they'd eventually catch my corpse next to the yogurt, never missed.
But i told you i was sorry and i kissed you on the forehead:
the last time i would touch you. I don't think you noticed.

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

[This message has been edited by obscurity of cloud (edited 05-13-2001).]

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-05-12 05:18 PM

interesting....i liked how you discribed such things...and first line seemed ackward was it a typo..anways..the meaning i do disagree to some extent...other then that you have wrote this quite well...tho...keep writing..

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

obscurity of cloud
Member

since 2001-05-11

Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....

2 posted 2001-05-13 02:07 AM

I don't really know where i'm going with my poetry. PLEASE critique my words as much as you can stand it! I appreciate every reply.

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

3 posted 2001-05-13 10:09 PM

i would critique your poem as you've asked but i dont believe in critiques...because there is no laws in art. I dont know where im goin w/my poetry either but i just take my feelings and put them as best as i can into words and that usually helps the flow of things a lil bit...just keep working at it and it'll all come to u

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

4 posted 2001-05-14 10:28 AM

Hmm... alright, I'll try to critique you as best I can, considering you've been kind to me in the past.

First order of business, meter.  I found this poem was lacking it in many places where it was necessary.
If you don't know what meter is, email me.
Second thing I'd like to point out is the line size of the poem.  Some of the lines in this one were a bit too long, where they would have flowed far better if you cut them down just a tad.  Look at this aspect of it, try to either shorten the lines or make more lines, whichever works for you.
Oh and if you do decide to make more lines, I suggest you give it a more constant rhyme.  It wouldn't be that difficult to do if you know what you're doing, and I can tell that you do.
I like the last line of this poem a lot.  My favourite line in the whole thing though is the second of the second stanza.

Nice work, good to see you posting, and because I haven't said it already welcome to Passions in Poetry. You're already making your presence quite felt in here.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

5 posted 2001-05-14 01:29 PM

i can't offer much in the way of critiques i like this piece a whole lot. i think that the first stanza could flow a little better, talk to allan about that meter jibberish

tiptoe through the tulips... i really like that line, it reminds me of something but i can't quite put my finger on it... anyway, the images were beautiful in this, it definetely goes into my library. keep posting your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Tangerines
Junior Member

since 2001-05-07

Posts 22
Richmond, Virginia

6 posted 2001-05-14 02:43 PM

Some parts of this are a bit awkward; the first line doesn't flow very well. Maybe change "wonder" to "ponder"? At any rate, mess around with this a little bit, and it could be very, very good. I like it.

"i'll be there on mother's day with flowers and a lie."

"I don't judge people, I just watch them till it's time to look away. I wanna look away now." - Kristin Hersh

Silver Butterfly
Junior Member

since 2001-03-13

Posts 42
Between here and the end

7 posted 2001-05-14 02:43 PM

This was a really good poem. I am ashamed to say that I didn't notice your rhyme scheme until the third or fourth time I went through it. I liked it whether it's meter was perfect or not and no offense to Allan, but I think you should keep it the way it is.
Ciao.

obscurity of cloud
Member

since 2001-05-11

Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....

8 posted 2001-05-14 08:51 PM

Thanks so much for the criticism. This was a collaboration with a friend, so some of the lines don't go very well, we know. She's kind of blase about the poetry forums at this point, but I think the line she wanted heard chimed here. Again, thanks for the comments, I will pass them on!

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

9 posted 2001-05-15 01:10 AM

I enjoyed this greatly. I see that you feel the lines didn't make much sense together due to your collaboration. First off if YOU are going to write poetry and develope a style then I suggest writing alone hehe...if you didn't the style would be some sort of duo thing going on.
Anyhow, I enjoyed the poem very much. I felt it was deep and very symbolic, but only if you knew what you were saying. sometimes within a collaboration an author might mean one thing while the other author interprets another. Oh well......anyway well done on this one!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

10 posted 2001-05-24 09:50 AM

ok, before I say anything, I'd like to get a bit more of an explanation of the poem first. Seems like I'm the only one that is having a hard time figuring out the meaning to the post. A little help would be very much appreciated

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

11 posted 2001-05-24 12:15 PM

acire,

i too confess that i don't understand the meaning of this poem

however that is the reason why i found this piece rather charming...a lot of original images jumbled up together, taking my mind in lots of unexpected directions...

i am not good at critiques but i do know what i like. and i like this.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.