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fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

0 posted 2001-05-07 12:31 PM

hey, this one doesn't rhyme all that much...lol if you read it pretty fast it sorta makes sense. i hope this doesn't violate any guidelines or anything...if it does tell me and i'll try to change it. the title also is kinda bad. oh well i hope u guys like it

can't feel
don't wanna feel
gotta get rid of this sorrow
or i might not see the light of tomorrow
might die
right here
right now
doesn't really matter though
i'm ALREADY dead
into the void
no emotions
well how sad
for a little girl going through life
needs to feel glad
i guess she also needs
needs a dad
but wait
can't blame him for this
only one person to blame
and thats me
i'm the one who scared him away

-fear-

AngelShell
Member

since 2000-03-01

Posts 446
not heaven nor hell so...

1 posted 2001-05-07 01:52 AM

As far as I can see this couldn't possibly violate any rules or anything... Poems don't HAVE to rhyme you know, in fact, some are even better if they don't.

I really liked this piece I thought I conveyed a lot of emotions in a short time. If I had any critiques to make it would be that some of the lines don't flow as nicely as some of the others. I'm a great one to do that too, I'll have a couple of nice length and then one or two short ones thrown in because I can't think of anything else to put in them.
Other than that I thought this was really good.
I haven't seen you around before, so...WELCOME!!!!

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-05-07 08:50 AM

I personally didn't like this one, I felt it was too drawn apart and fragmented for my taste. The flow was pretty much non-existent and I didn't see any hint of form or technique.
Sorry, but all the things I need to enjoy a poem were absent here...
Not a bad poem probably, just not my taste at all.

~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Godsend_1
Member

since 2001-04-19

Posts 247
great state of illinois

3 posted 2001-05-07 09:47 AM

hey hun great poem you have a very cool talent i thought it was awesome with all the emotion you conveid but its all good ok in the end it gets better, if you ever need to talk just ask ok, i love ya *hugs*

ben

i am what i am and that is all that i am and all that i shall ever be......so deal with it

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

4 posted 2001-05-07 12:57 PM

the last line of this poem is really powerful, the ending left me with shivers going up my back. i thought that at some points it was a little choppy, but overall this is a really great piece. keep posting all your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

5 posted 2001-05-07 04:53 PM

thanks for replyin!
angelshell-yeah it is pretty fragmented, but i wrote this awhile ago and wasn't exactly in the right state of mind ya know.  now i'm all better tho :-D

*bans allan from replying to my stuff* j/k, i like how you are honest.  it helps a lot. thanks :-)

godsend-thanks! lol i wuv u 2!!

banbury-shivers huh? wow.  yea some parts are pretty choppy, but when it was written i didn't really care.  maybe i'll go back an edit it...that is if i knew how...thanks again!
-fear-

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

6 posted 2001-05-13 05:47 PM

Well done!!!!
This really hit my soft spot. It's so sad. I hope all is well with you.
I enjoyed the poem.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

7 posted 2001-05-17 07:02 PM

You're in the right path to being better. Your poem shows that you have a broad mind full of ideas. That is a good start. My advice is to read others works too, this will give you more ideas on other styles of writing.

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

8 posted 2001-05-17 07:07 PM

free verse is always good....

I like it....much more room to go with your thoughts and feelings

I thought this was great

SEA

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